Love or Furniture?

Here's a hypothetical question:

Which does a person want more, love or furniture?

I suppose it depends on the desperation with which you yearn for both. On one hand, it's hard to have love if your apartment looks like a band of feral 4 year olds lives there. On the other, your furniture doesn't really give you a warm fuzzy feeling.

Okay. I lied. It does.

Well the right furniture does. Other furniture reminds you of monolithic creations that should have stayed in the Neolithic Age.

Anyways, my subscription to the online dating scheme has lapsed and I was going to re-up my membership but then I decided I needed furniture worse. So I bought a bookshelf.

But I swear it's a conspiracy. I've gotten more emails in the time that my subscription has been absent than in the weeks it was active. I personally think that is fishy. I didn't change my picture. I haven't updated my profile. Nothing has changed except for the fact that they are no longer taking money out of my account and accusing me of being a thief. I seriously am expecting that two things have happened: A) they hid the emails that I got before until now when I can't view them so that I would re-up my subscription or B) I've really only gotten one email and they're trying to make it seem like 9 million so that I will re-up my subscription.

Nevermind the fact that if I did get only one or 9 million emails they're all from some redneck-y people that combined have a grand total of 7 teeth, which subsequently happens to be 3 more teeth than the graveyard shift at your local Waffle House.

Anyways, I need your input. Should I re-up my contract and continue my search for love on the interwebs? The same place where there are websites of kittens with captions and octopuses who in live in trees?

Or should I just be pleased in the serendipitous way that my subscription ended and be done with it?

Opinions?

Trial by Fire - Online Dating, Edition 3: I am not long winded, Am I?

Today I've finally decided to respond to the second email that Kaopectate, the man you, blog reader, decided I should wink at. I should thank you in advance. Not because we've hit it off and are blossoming into a beautiful couple. Nooooooo, because I have expanded my vocabulary.

This man goes on and on and on and on and on and on. Thus I feel compelled to respond with an equally long email so that I don't hurt his feelings. I'm not kidding. You thought I could ramble on?

REMEMBER THESE ARE ONLY MY OPINIONS AND BY NO MEANS AM I ASSUMING THAT HE IS LONG OF THE WIND OR TALKATIVE OR ANY OTHER DEROGATORY THING.

I've got nothing on Kao.


Here's some actual highlights of what I have written him (because I haven't consulted with my legal counsel if I can post what he wrote, I'll paraphrase what he wrote.) :

What made me wink back at you?
My friends harassing me about the fact that I had to wink at someone, and they picked you.
. . .
I was extremely hesitant to start the online personals and after much haranguing from my friends I joined.

This was in response to his query about why I winked at him and what made me join the online personals. For serious. I'm not kidding. See, I did manage to use harangue. I hardly ever use that one. Earlier in the email I used renege and fraudulent (in describing the fiasco with the account cancellation and all.) Vocabulary expansion, engaged. I actually had to look up how to spell those words. (I have problems with vowels, especially when they're strung together. Granted none of those words apply in this case because I can actually spell fraudulent but still. Silhouette. I have a problem with that word. )

Okay, listen up. This next part is actually what he said to me because I just couldn't let it go...I am passing no judgment on it and are merely posting it here to exemplify the interactions that I have on the online dating website. For serious, No judgment. You, however may form your own opinions.

.here are some more questions for you....since you say you're very busy....what's a typical day/week for you like...what keeps you so busy? What do you do for fun when you're not busy? When was your last relationship, and why didn't it work out?

Here is an opinion that you, blog reader, may have:

He thinks he is slick. Sliding in the "last relationship" question at the last minute. Whatever.

Yet, another opinion you might have in response to reading what he wrote, that the author of this blog has no opinion about:

He really is very inquisitive. I still wouldn't tell him anymore than you had to. Or anything really. This could end badly for you. You, Anna = blog author, are not long-winded enough to form a suitable and lasting relationship with this fellow.

Just one last opinion that the author of this blog is definitely not influencing your decision to make:

Creep-O-Zoid

Trial By Fire - Online Dating Edition, 2: Why it is REALLY hard to date online.

This post is really just to complain about the difficulties - the actual semantic difficulties - of online dating.

If you weren't already aware, I'm a criminal. I stole my own credit card information and used it fraudulently to buy a subscribtion to a popular online dating site; it rhymes with latch dot mom. Thus my account was cancelled and disabled for a few days. Go figure. They then determined, after much proding and insisting and demanding (I became progressively crankier and nastier via email because apparently they only give out their phone number once you've been dismembered on a date with the person they've connected you with.) they decided that it wasn't that I was a nasty, yet intelligent cyber-hacker-criminal type person but that it was a technical error in their system that caused the mis-assumption of my personality and qualifications. Harumph. (Lets hope that those aren't the computers analyzing my personality, otherwise we'll really be in for a few laughs.) They have re-instated my account and given me 15 or so days free. I'm skeptical at best. I was reluctant at first but I've chosen to adjust my opinion to just skeptical.

The first day or so of my account being disabled, I'll admit I was P-I-SSED. But then I became used to the idea of failing catastrophically at something yet again. It was easy to attribute my hesitancy in online dating, Hell even normal dating, to the fact that the world had judged me and found me wanting. Hence it kicked me out of the virtual dating world. It was serendipity that said 'No Anna. Avoid that hole. You'll fall and break something. Insert sappy joke about my heart winding up broken.' (Gag me.) But we've all met me once or twice. Not only do I listen poorly but I also pretty much ignore every sign thrown my way unless I am beaten over the head with it. Which goes along with listening poorly or rather I suppose that is an example of listening poorly, or how I listen poorly. I should have taken this for the sign that it was and ran away screaming from virtual dating.

It's easier to assume that I haven't heard back from any of the people that I want to chat/talk with because my account was disabled. Easier to assume that they were all clamoring to respond and their despair at finding my account no longer existing was great and all encompassing. Easier to assume that I'm probably not as funny and charismatic as I try to be, that I don't sound contrived.

I'm funny right?

Let's face facts, blog reader. I'm not going to put in the time and energy it requires to root through hundreds of profiles and read dozens and dozens, probably dozens of hundreds, of incorrectly spelled words. Cosumal = Cozumel. Hugh = huge. God = good. That last sentence whilst true, God is Good, is actually what someone wrote while meaning to say good. Maybe he was uber-Christian and trying to be cute and/or make a point and I just missed it? I think he was Catholic. . .

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I'm questioning the worth and value of this whole online dating thing. I suppose I've questioned it from day one but now that they've screwed it up my confidence rate is at zero. I try to be funny and so far it's only worked on a Latino who has ethnic identity issues and a gentleman who labels himself as a 'salesman' when he really helps old people to their car at Costco.

You've got to start somewhere right?

Online Dating Poll Results, Edition 1

There was a two way tie between the Hunter Elf and Kaopectate, with one vote cast at the last minute via phone (Thanks Jess!).

Unfortunately it seems that Bigfoot was the dark horse of the race and came up lame and had to be put down and sent to the glue factory. Which, is okay because I have most certainly, certainly, avoided the rape shack behind those hideous curtains. (Check out those curtains in his picture. Notice anything odd and/or curious?)

So it was a choice between #2 and #3. And it's my blog and my life, so I made the executive decision and chose #3, Kaopectate, to wink at. I did so, because of several reasons which I will enumerate here:

Firstly, Hunter Elf sent me a very nice, poorly spelled and grammatically bad (impression, not judgement or fact ) email. I just wouldn't have felt right winking back at him after reading his email, as I have no interest in him romantically and didn't want to send him mixed signals and/or the wrong impression.

Secondly, I must admit that I did in fact ponder not winking at either one of them and mis-leading you, blog reader, into thinking that I had. I chose not to do this, because I made a contract with you. And I am a woman of my word. It also didn't hurt that I had three of my closest friends beside me on the couch who could call my bluff, so to speak. But let's concentrate on the fact that I am trustworthy and not a snake in the grass.

On a lighter note, I did actually sit down and peruse and write a few emails tonight. Personally. Last time I forced my committee to do it. They perused and winked at their leisure. All of those seem to be a wash but hopefully something will turn out.

Coming up next time in Trial by Fire, Online Dating Edition 2: Jim Bob, Punkin' Chuckin' Puck, and Warhol Sm-arhol.

Keep reading! And Goodnight!

Trial by Fire - Online Dating Edition, 1

As you all know, I've created an online dating profile on a popular website. (I knew this was going to be trouble.)

According to my legal counsel, (which I have put on retainer with soda and tater tots) , I have to say that all of the following ARE IMPRESSIONS ONLY. THESE ARE ONLY MY IMPRESSIONS. THESE ARE NOT FACTS OR ASSUMPTIONS. IMPRESSIONS ONLY.

The following pictures are pictures of the people that have 'winked' at me. REMEMBER: THESE ARE MY IMPRESSIONS ONLY. For serious folks. IMPRESSIONS ONLY and/or imagined internal dialogues. By no means are these actual conversations they've had with themselves. (I'm going straight to Hell.)

hey there hot stuff. "im a hugh football, basketball fan. i love college football, basketball. hang out with freinds." Actual quote in quotes.

"I rough talked that big-foot. told him to git. 'Git on out of here I sed'...'He had beautiful hair'," (If you haven't seen this video, it's hilarious.)

This guy is a hunter. This is the picture without the dead things in the background. Dead things in the background are only attractive when they've been coming after you and you feared for your life and Then jungle man comes leaping out of the woods to save you.

That's when dead things are hot.

Otherwise, they're creepy. Well at least to me, I think dead things are creepy. I'm sure there are plenty of acceptable women out there who enjoy dead things. And I AM NOT PASSING JUDGEMENT ON THEM. Not at all. It is my IMPRESSION that dead things are creepy.


I think this guy is having some internal distress. They say that babies smile when they have gas. He looks constipated here, but otherwise somewhat normal. Except for the fact that his entire picture oeuvre consists of this picture x32, just substituting a difference position of the camera.

Seriously? Pick a new pose or a new background, or here's a novel idea: Have SOMEONE ELSE take the picture(s).


So let's have some fun here. I'll let you blog readers, pick which one of these three to 'wink' back at. I'll give you until tomorrow (Wednesday) evening. The guy with the most votes wins.

We'll call them:

#1 - BigFoot (because I like the video, not because he resembles Bigfoot in any way)

#2 - Hunter Elf (because supposedly, I stress supposedly, he is really really short. I do not know that for a fact nor are claiming that being short is derogatory in any way.)

#3 - Kaopectate (because Kaopectate is supposedly good for constipation)

Edition 2 coming up shortly.

Apparently, I've reached my lame threshold.

So today I did it. I took the plunge and created an online dating profile. Which was incredibly difficult. They want to know everything about you.

(It's very hard to be sarcastic and appealing at the same time. Very hard.)

Just so that everyone is on the same page I want to elucidate the reasons why I created an online dating profile:

I need blog fodder. And I kind of also need to have children at some point in my life.



But mostly I need blog fodder.

I know that you, blog readers, feel some kinship with my uterus, mostly because I talk about it all the time and how it's lonely, and pitiful, and drying up and withering away, but surely you do realize I'm just being dramatic. And by no means do I really feel that my uterus is drying up.

Nope, not at all.


No. Honestly I really don't think that.

I mean it's true that I do want kids someday and I'm starting to get a little anxious that I'm going to end up old and withered and alone, and then no one will really love because let's face it. There's not a lot going for me and I have to deal with what I've got and people don't like old people. They cuss at them when they drive, groan when they're in line behind them at the supermarket, and put them into pee-smelling retirement homes!

I CANNOT HANDLE THE PEE SMELL. I REALLY CANNOT DO IT. I HAVE TO FIND A HUSBAND AND NOW. I CAN'T GO TO ONE OF THOSE PLACES. I HAVE TO PUT MY UTERUS TO USE AND QUICKLY. MAYBE IF I JUST BUY A SMALL CHILD PEOPLE WILL THINK THAT I HAD IT AND I WONT END UP OLD AND ALONE AND WITHERED BECAUSE IT WILL BE A CUTE BABY AND PEOPLE LOVE CUTE BABIES. PEOPLE ARE DRAWN TO PEOPLE WITH CUTE BABIES AND THEN I CAN JUST WRANGLE A HUSBAND THAT WAY, HE'LL BE ALL LIKE

"Hey, where do you get that cute baby?"

And I can make up a story about how the baby's father died in some central-American conflict zone (Are there any central American conflict zones?) and technically I won't be lying and he'll be all like

"Damn that sucks. This child needs a father, do you want to marry me so I can raise this cute child and buy you pretty things?"

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WHERE DO I BUY A CHILD AT?