Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Busting the bum rap of the Kraken

The other day I was on my way to work and I was pondering things as I normally do barreling down I-40 and I got to thinking about the Kraken. (I had just seen "The Clash of the Titans" the night before, so it's not like I regularly think of sea-monsters. I'm not that weird.)

Then it occurred to me that the poor Kraken gets a really bad rap and for what? Here is a mis-understood sea creature that needs to tell it's (I can do many things but I cannot sex a Kraken from far away.) side of the story.

After doing some digging on the Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge in the universe other than the NIH, I discovered the Kraken originates from Norse and Scandinavian lore. I imagine this is probably the beginnings of the Kraken's troubles. Vikings are generally not friendly people. They raped and pillaged and destroyed everything in their path. Even Hagar the Horrible is always yelling at his little friend about how he's not good enough or strong enough and he always whines about his wife, who in reality is actually very good to him. Imagine that you're a Kraken hanging out at the bottom of the ocean, where it's really dark and really cold, and you're a hip Kraken so you want to see what's out there, see what's going on in the rest of the ocean. Naturally you're going to migrate upwards toward the light.

You've arrived at the surface and you're hanging out catching some rays, (Odin knows you're pasty from being at the bottom of the ocean and totally need a tan. The lady Kraken's won't know how righteous you are if you're being overlooked for the dudes with the bitchin' tan.) and along comes a damn boat full of Norwegian crackpots out to kill anything that moves. Of course you gurgle a "Hey, watch it!" but because they've got such thick skulls and tiny brains (as anyone who's listened to Abba can attest to about Norwegians) they don't understand your gurgle. Out come the spears.

Well now you're in a predicament, you can't look like a pansy and not defend yourself. So you go slapping your tentacles all over their boat and honestly, is it really your fault they've got shoddy craftmanship? And now you're in a pickle because you'd think for a people who make their living off the sea they'd survive the blistering cold of the North sea a little better. So now you've really done it because if even one of them survives there goes your good reputation and you'll be forever labeled a sea monster. You might as well just drown them all, they multiply like rabbits and they've probably got 14 more kids at home.

But now your cover is blown and there will be no peaceful sunning from this point forward. Now you'll have to defend your territory countless times, all because some Viking with a lame name like Agnar or Hjorvarth decided that he needed to account for his diminutive manhood and kill a Kraken. Of course all of the other Kraken's have enough sense to stay in Kraken-ville at the bottom of the ocean. They're all content living their Kraken lives and raising their Kraken babies with their Kraken spouses! This is just another way that they're ostracizing you because you can't get it together and find a spouse. Ever since that incident with the Royal Jelly and the Kraken down the cleft, people are crossing the trench to avoid talking to you.

"Damnit! I'm not going to take it anymore! I'm not standing for this! If they want to judge me then let them judge me! I'm who I am and I'm not changing for some Kraken who can't decide whom they'd rather be with! At least I have the normal number of tentacles (which is 10 for those of you who don't know). So what if my beak is smaller and I'm a little paler than desired. I've just killed a boatload of Vikings. And for fun I think I'll eat them. How hardcore is that?"

It's not that the Kraken really ever has a choice. The oppressive nature of Kraken society and exclusivity of Kraken culture drives him to make bad choices. If only his mother would have loved him more as a juvenile cephalopod he wouldn't be dragging the Norwegians to their death.

Poor, poor Norwegians.

Remember it pays to be nice.

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