Sunday, July 3, 2011

A Synopsis of the entire Star Wars saga and some thoughts

So because of unnamed reasons I'm stuck at home tonight bored to tears and I thought I would blog about Star Wars because my roommate keeps making me watch all 92 of them over and over again because for some reason they're on repeat on the Spike TV channel. I will begin with the 1st one which apparently is really the 4th one. I'm not sure how George Lucas has stretched the space/time continuum to fit his literary/theatrical needs but he has.

Star Wars 1/4: A New Hope, or something.

So there is this kid and he comes by these droids in the desert from these wierdo people and the one droid has a bad hologram, which by the way if you pay careful attention is in color. Let me ask you this, how in the hell did they have color holograms in the 70's when they made these movies? Hmmm? I'm just saying. Anywho this kid is a whiny bitch especially when the storm troopers kill his family who he was just mad at 10 minutes previous. He and this old dude run off to town and go to the bar, like any sane person would do if he came home to find his favorite aunt and uncle fried hard. Here is where the movie actually gets good because Han Solo shows up and he is really is the only reason why I continue to sit through these movies. Yummy yummy Han. Come to find out they have to go rescue some dumb ol' princess who gets her home planet blown the fuck up because she's got a horrible poker face. They get to the ship and Darth Vader tries to send them out with the trash which doesn't work because I think R2 saves them. I don't rightly know. Then Obi Wan gets in a brawl with Vader and to be such a damn amazing Jedi warrior he sure goes down pretty quick and pulls a witch from the Wizard of Oz and disintegrates which is a pretty handy trick. Some other shit happens and I think this is the movie where Luke uses the force to blow up the death star, yay! I think? Honestly all the scenes without Han Solo I'm pretty much lost at. But boo-ya, foreshadowing, like any good bureaucracy, they have 2.

Star Wars 2/5: I forget the name of this one, but it's the best one.

This is the best one mostly because at the end when the bounty hunters catch Han Solo to take to Jabba, they put him in the carbonate shirtless. This is all that really matters but because some other shit does happen I'll tell you about it.

Rebel rebellion is happening in a cold, cold place with a stupid name. For lack of a better name we'll call it Canadia. Imagine that, rebels rebelling. They sort of win and Luke has to spend the night in a stinky elk-type thing because he cannot stay out in the elements in Canadia as it's too damn cold. He actually cuts it open and crawls inside it. Actually inside it. I'm not sure why he didn't just send up a flare and call his homies to come get him with the 'force.' He is pretty dumb. Then he runs off to someplace called Degoba (sp?) to find Yoda who does a good job as functioning as comic relief. Degoba is a swampy, rainy place and for some reason R2 is left out in the rain and weather for their entire visit and really needs a bath by the end of the movie. The other weird thing in this movie is that while Han, Leia, Chewie and C3PO are running from the Imperial Battlecruisers by hiding in the gut of a cave monster, Luke has supposedly spent weeks and weeks with Yoda. There really is no time continuity here. You're led to believe that the crowd on the Millennium Falcon is having a harrowing few hours and Luke is spending ages in a swamp moving rocks with his mind. Ya okay. Fast forward, some quick thinking by Han gets them out of the battlecruiser's sights and onto some mining facility (How they mine anything that far in the air is beside me?) and surprise, surprise his old friend sells him out. Luke has some puss ass vision like dear, old Dad did and runs off to save them and really doesn't do anything resembling saving them. In fact Lando is the one doing the saving here because he was the one doing the betraying and he picks Luke up off the rails, they never find his hand, and off they go to get Han back from Jabba. Oh yeah, and Darth Vader is Luke's father and there is an awkward Luke/Leia kiss. I personally have always thought Luke was of the homogay persuasion but that's just my take on the whole thing.

Star Wars 3/6: A Waste of Time or A Bunch of Midgets Get Jobs

Somehow this rag-tag band of dumb-asses manages to rescue Han but only because Chewie is awesome. But I must say Jabba was pretty damn smart to make R2 hand out drinks. R2 seems like he could make a good cocktail. I'm just sayin...

Then there are the Ewoks. This is the quite possibly one of the stupidest movies ever made. Long story short, the rebels tromp through the woods with midgets dressed as bears, which seems really denigrating to midgets in general, and win. Yay. Luke ends up turning his father back to the good side; the emporer kicks the bucket and Leia ends up with Han in some wierdo coronation/wedding/medal awarding ceremony. The only cool scene in this movie is the squid general.

Star Wars 1/4: The Phantom Menace

I don't really know how all this drama starts but this guy Qui Gon ends up on a planet named Naboo where the Trade Federation, green people with giant heads, have invaded and their Queen who is somehow elected, is in need of an army. So he, Obi Wan and Jar-Jar Binks, the clumsiest fool ever to walk the galaxy, go to the underwater city to recruit help and almost get eaten by a fish. They somehow manage to get the king of Waterworld to agree to help them fight the droid army. Then they go to Tatooine for some reason and end up meeting Anakin Skywalker, a petulant child that is clearly in need of a strong male influence. This entire mess could have been avoided if Anakin's mom would have shacked up with some dude that had enough good sense to beat that child on a regular basis. Qui Gon fights Darth Maul (I think?), a stand in for that rap group ICP, and wins. Anakin wins his freedom by winning a pod race and runs off to be a Jedi on that planet that is one big city. Somehow he manages to get Padme, queen of Naboo, to fall in love with him as an 8 year old child and all of the adults in his life ARE OKAY WITH THIS. Uuuuuuuum? Oh and there is a fight on the plains of Naboo between the water people and the Trade Federation Droid army. I don't know who wins.

Star Wars 2/5

I'm still confused about this one. Some shit happens and Padme and Anakin get married.

Star Wars 3/6: Revenge of the Sith

Okay, the emporer has cloned Jango Fett (which by the way is the funnest name ever: Jango.) and made an army. Count Duku buys the farm and General Greivous, who is part droid and part lizard with 4 arms has a pretty cool fight with Obi Wan. The emporer wants Anakin to be his liaison with the Jedi Council and the Jedi Council wants him to be a double agent and all he really wants to do is fuck so in the end the entire universe gets fucked. Padme shows up preggers and then ol' Skywalker starts having visions of his beloved buying the farm during childbirth. He goes to Yoda and Yoda pretty much says 'Dumbass, this is why we don't have wives' without really saying that. He's pretty unapologetic because he's Yoda and totally awesome-sauce. Anakin keeps freaking the fuck out and they don't let him be on the council and he has a grade A hissy fit and goes sulking to the Emporer who says 'Come to the dark side and you can bite off my toenails' or something which he does like a dumb ass. At some point Yoda and the Emporer get in a fight in the senate and that is a cool scene mostly because Yoda is pretty limber for a 900 year old dude. At some point the emporer throws Samuel Jackson out a window because Sam fucks his face up, because after all Sam is a bad mother-fucker. For some reason Anakin goes to the volcano planet, because that seems like such a lovely place to go. Oh yes, let us go to Hell, that would be lovely and of course Obi Wan follows him and so does his bitch ass wife who is getting really annoying by this point. They fight, Anakin ends up in the lava. He is saved by the emporer who turns him into Darth Vader and ol' whiny pants Padme squirts out her children which are delivered by a robot that says 'Oooooba' and lo and behold! There are two. Because they have the technology to have light sabers but no sonograms. Sure. Padme is too distraught over the loss of her husband to the dark side to give a rat's ass about her children which is really sickening and just gives up on her will to live so she dies. Damn, there's a loss and the remaining Jedi masters separate the children and send them away. Yoda goes into hiding and Obi Wan goes to spend the rest of his days on a desert planet to watch over a child that ends up being just as much a pain in the ass as his damn father and he even has sufficient male supervision. Go figure. I guess it's just bad genes.

So that ladies and gents is my synopsis of the entire Star Wars saga in a blog post. And for all of you Star Wars buffs out there I really don't care which parts are out of order and such because it doesn't honestly matter as it isn't real life.


  1. Pretty damn good job of summing it all up.

  2. Yes. This. You should go re-write the Wikipedia page and blow some nerd minds.

  3. Best synopsis ever. You know, I loved Star Wars when I was 7. However, I tried to watch it now that I'm an adult and I just can't stand it. I don't understand the hype (for adults).

  4. Anna-rackorama - I had a friend who knew all teh words of the first Star Wars film. How sad was that?

  5. Star Wars 2/5

    I'm still confused about this one. Some shit happens and Padme and Anakin get married.

    Are you sure you don’t write reviews for the film magazines?

    There was a story going around that there were originally 9 star wars books – and so we could look forward to three new films - but that turns out to be another George Lucas myth – who I suspect got bored after doing the 3 prequels and so stopped talking about books 7 to 9….. I suspect much to your relief…

  6. @ Trash: Thanks, I sometimes pay attention.

    @ Sass: I'm not sure I know how to do that. Blow nerd minds. I was going to make a blow job joke but nevermind.

    @ Beer: I KNOW RIGHT! I used to date this guy in college who was Darth Maul for Halloween. AS AN ADULT. It's a good thing he was hot otherwise I would have totally been out of there.

    @ David: I find that utterly frightening. People do that? WHY? Oh the horror.

    @ BlackLOG: If there were another 3 Star Wars movies without Harrison Ford I would seriously hunt down George Lucas and maim him with a poisonous marine animal. Totes.