Thursday, December 8, 2011

There is no sexy way to remove your Spanx.

Men, I blame you.

I have to blame someone and I certainly am not going to take the blame myself so I'm blaming you. You are the reason why I feel the need to wear the spanx.

'Hello God, it's me Anna.
. . .
When will I ever learn to love my body?'

If you aren't aware of what a spanx is I will explain. It's the wearable version of a battleship hull. It holds all the important parts in while letting the guns swing freely and giving the enemy a decent idea of what is in store for the remainder of the evening if they so choose to engage said ship. The makers of spanx call it 'shapewear.'  I'll leave it at that.

(Although I will say it does do wonders for a girls shape.)

Anyways I bought these Spanx to wear under my little black dress because I'm fat and blah blah blah and haven't been to gym lately because I'm busy blah blah blah and I'm a stress eater blah blah blah and they make mayonnaise in gallon jars blah blah blah. Let's just say that I have a demonstrated need for said spanx.

There is just one problem. They are not easy to get on or off but it's not so much the getting them on part that I'm particularly worried about. There's always mayonnaise in my house (see above), so in the worst case scenario we can slather me in mayo. My friends will hold the spanx open at the end of our bar and I'll just take a running slide down the bar into them. Wam. I'm in my spanx and ready for my dress all without messing up my hair. Booyah in YOUR dooyah.

But what if someone sees me in my little black dress, which is PHENOMENAL by the way, and decides they would like to take me home and see what's under my little black dress. Here is where I'm going to need to be creative. They don't just come off. You can't just pull them off. There is wiggling, and jostling, and some praying, followed by some hopping and hoping along with groaning, moaning, wailing, the gnashing of teeth and pushing. Yes you actually have to push them down off of your body, there is no pulling. And guess what? You've still got to get them over your ass!

Nevermind that that whole charade is less than attractive, much less sexy, but it takes a solid 10 minutes and 3-man crew to get the damn things off. And I'm not really sure why they're pluralized when there is only one garment. Praise the Lord Baby Jesus for that. If there were two of them I might just die. But seriously? Who wants to watch that? Who wants to watch a warthog try to escape from a sinkhole?  Maybe the warthog should have the good sense to stay the fuck out of the mudhole and just wear a fracking reasonable PANTSUIT. Who would want to see someone struggle out of their underwear?

'Why yes, I'd love to come home with you but first I need you to take these percocets, drink this whiskey and let me know when you're good and fucked up. Then I'll come in the room without my spanx on.' It is lying, plain and simple. Imagine if you took some broad home to have relations with her and when she went in the bathroom she was Scar Jo and when she came out she was Christina Aguilera at the latest music awards. And ladies imagine you're going home with Top Gun Val Kilmer and you end up with present day Val Kilmer*.  It's just not right; you can't do that to a person. People want to take you home and rip off your clothes and see that you've miraculously maintained your svelte shape. They don't want to watch you explode like the Stay-Puft marshmallow man.

Whatever am I to do?

I suppose I could always just cut a hole in the crotch.

That could turn out fun. Right? Less sexy but a smidge more disturbing.

Maybe I'll just wear pants.

*I still probably would. I'm not proud of it but I'm being honest.


  1. Ha, ha, ha....Anna, you are hilarious!

    i sooo love this post!

  2. Anna, I'd be happy to slather you up in some condiment, although I'd prefer whipped cream or chocolate sauce. How much of a difference can those things really make? I mean, if it's just spandex how much can it smush things?

  3. As a guy I totally understand and sympathize with you: Top Gun Val Kilmer is way cooler than present day Val Kilmer. But unfortunately we have to say goodbye to Top Gun Val Kilmer. He's never coming back Anna. We both need to accept this.

  4. The warthog line killed me. And the whole time I was thinking 'cut an access flap' until I got to your similar conclusion. Damn funny. And I don't blame you for Val. Even present day. Don't tell my fiancee.

  5. Even those wildly uncomfortable body suits of the 80's and 90's had crotch snaps! Of course, if you were wearing them under overalls (ahem), you probably weren't getting any nohow, but STILL. The option was there. Also, with Spanx, where do you put your C-bag? Or do you just pee yourself and hope it helps as lube when trying to remove said-Spanx?

  6. I think my next post will be on crack - this is funny BTW, probably could use some pics and diagrams. Yeah Val has gone to pot and have you seen Kelly McGillis lately?

  7. @ Tracy: Thanks so much! :D It's true...

    @ George: Hmm...I appreciate your enthusiasm but I hate both of those things. Pick a different condiment. As for how much it helps, I'm not really sure. It's probably more of a mental thing than anything.

    @ Christian: BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Le-sigh. Actually The Saint Val Kilmer was my favorite. But not the creepy long-haired Val. The agent Val. Swoon.

    @ Beer: Your secret is safe with me. (: Thanks!

    @ Sass: You bring up several points that I have never pondered. 1. Why in the the hell did I spend my youth 'sliding' the crotch of my bodysuit over when THEY MADE THEM WITH SNAPS? WTF MOM? and 2. I don't know what you'd do with your C-bag. Actually I've never really thought about what you do with it in normal clothes?

    @ David: Thanks! Maybe I'll make up some diagrams. Although I'm awful with photoshop. AND apparently Kelly McGillis is a muff-diver now. Who knew?