Monday, February 20, 2012

Apparently None of These Jokers Have Read The Tommyknockers, or Anna reviews 'The River'

Okay so they went ahead and made several episodes of this television show and they've subsequently decided to show them and it seems that people actually do care about my opinions (You people must be really cracked, you know?) so I'm going to review/synopsise (Is this a word? It is now.) the second episode of ABC's 'The River'.

The second episode opens with a Christmas episode of Emmet Cole's television show and there is this creepy scene where Emmet gives the 8 year old Baby-Bear's 8 year old girlfriend a hat or something. I'm not really sure what they're trying to do here. It's like they're trying to set this up as Emmet Cole was as a father figure to this girl but it's just off-kilter enough that it seems a smidgen pedophilic.(Is this a word? It is now.) Because for some unknown reason the Good Dr. Emmet Cole never contacted his wife or his son on his last voyage but he was in constant contact with Baby-Bear's girlfriend and she seems to know an awful lot about him. Like where he keeps his hidden stash of tapes that show him, the Good Doctor, walking on water and summoning a fireball. Clearly he has found 'The Magic' that is 'Out There.' Creepers. Also he can control dragonflies. This is important later.

So they've finally got the boat working. AGAIN. Seriously, I'd find a find a new boat. And Baby-Bear's Girlfriend, whom we'll just call Hooker for the mean time, has figured out where the Good Doctor is by reviewing some tapes and analyzing a bug bite or something. For serious people, they make GPS transponders. Jesus.

It's the middle of the night and the boat cameras catch this dragonfly flying in the boat down the stairs, making a left, then a right, and finding Ghost Girl and crawling right on in her mouth and down into her stomach. Most normal people would wake up and be seriously pissed AND have a case of heinous indigestion but apparently Ghost Girl is a medium or something and lo and behold she is possessed by none other than the Good Doctor himself. But it takes the crew members at least 20 minutes to figure this out. I'm not sure why it took them that long because they all saw the same tape I did where the Good Doctor controls the dragonflies and I knew immediately. Then again I wouldn't go traipsing through the Amazonian Jungle on a budget-ass boat with a dried-up old Harpy screaming for her emotionally distant husband, I'm practical that way.

Anyways Ghost Girl, who is really the Good Doctor at this point, tells Mama Bear not to come looking for Emmet Cole. That he's trapped deep within in the jungle and it's super dangerous. Again I feel that most normal people would go 'Welp, we gave it the college try. Emmet says not to come get him. Let's honor his last wishes and go find the nearest hotel bar and get shitty.' But alas, they decide to go trekking out into the jungle and leave Ghost Girl on the boat with her dad the mechanic. Who is displaying a pretty normal reaction by begging his daughter to barf up said dragonfly.

Our wonderful crew go traipsing through the jungle and happen upon the creepiest tree in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD. IT IS COVERED IN OLD DOLLS. And not happy dolls, creepy dolls. And guess where they decide TO CAMP FOR THE NIGHT? Yes, at the creepiest tree in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Also, Baby-Bear's baby-bear, actual teddy bear, is tied to this tree and he steals his bear back. This becomes important later. If any of these jokers had read The Tommyknockers they'd be high-tailing it out of there to find a different fucking tree but noooooooo, they don't worry that the creepy ass dolls are going to come to life and fuck with people. I mean I get that it was the aliens in the The Tommyknockers but there are all those crackpots that swear the ancient Mayan's were aliens, or maybe that was the Egyptian,s but the point being is that something is in the mother-fucking jungle and these idiots are too damn stupid to just burn the fucking jungle to the ground and deal with the environmental backlash later. Or here's a thought: Maybe listen to the Good Doctor and GO BACK HOME.

Long story short the dolls start moving and in the middle of the night they try to steal Mama-Bear. But the crew rescues Mama-Bear and they decide that Baby-Bear needs to give his bear back and when he tries to the tree keeps throwing the bear back at Baby-Bear and they all run the fuck away. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WHEN IT IS DARK. I swear to God if I ever have occasion to go camping again I'm taking a shotgun with me.

Apparently, the ghost of the creepiest tree in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD is a little girl who lost her mom so she steals Mama-Bear because she needs a mama. Talk about not winning for losing. If I had to pick a mom I certainly wouldn't pick one that had exposed her child to every known parasite in the tropical world by the time he was 6. There is something to be said for the constancy and safety of Surburbia. The crew then decides that the only way they're going to get Mama-Bear back is to dig up the grave of the little girl's Mama who has been dead for nigh on 150 years now. And miraculously they have shovels.

So they dig up this poor dead woman and throw her in a puddle and eventually Mama-Bear crawls out of the dead-girl's mom's grave and everyone is happy again. And they give up and go back to boat after deciding that the Good Doctor is not in that specific area. Surprise, surprise. Who in their right mind would really hang out at the creepiest tree in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD? Let's give the good doctor some credit.

So they go back to the busted-ass boat and Baby-Bear begs Ghost-Girl who is still inhabited by the Good Doctor to tell him where his exact location is but that would just be too damn easy wouldn't it? Just as Ghost Girl is getting ready to spill the beans she actually, literally gives up the ghost and the dragonfly crawls back out of her stomach and flies off into wilderness. Of course Ghost-Girl apologizes. Why, I'm not sure.

But they're all still alive and left to fight another day in this idiotic quest for a man that doesn't want to be found, and proceed down the river to the next episode which involves some dudes with no eyeballs who also lack proper hygiene and we see the true origin of river blindness.

*On a technical note, How the hell do they have any fuel left? I have not seen one single Citgo anywhere on this river. Also, I'm still confused as to where they poop?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Every ABC Show Needs a Smoke-Monster, or Anna Reviews 'The River'

If you haven't watched ABC's newest show, 'The River', you should watch it before you read this or actually maybe you should read this first before you watch it; maybe you'll save yourself from the mind-numbing idiocy of the people in this show.

'The River' opens with this sad tale of woe about an explorer, Emmet Cole, who is lost in the jungle and pronounced dead. He had a wildly popular TV show that was on for 22 years and somehow he and his boat, the bastardized Magus (think 'mag' from magazine and add- us to it), just up and disappear into the Amazonian Jungle. Now it's up to Mama bear and Baby bear to go find dear old dad.

Here's the kicker, they all hate each other. Mom's is screwing the TV producer that is accompanying them on said journey who was miraculously left out of the last, final voyage of Emmet Cole and his boat for some unknown reason. Actually it seems as if everyone on the new expedition was somehow left off this last, final journey and they're all supremely pissed about it. God only knows why? You know your life has to suck when you'd rather be in some deep, dark jungle having your head shrunk by the locals than in civilization dealing with your daddy issues. 

We'll skip to about the middle of the episode when they actually find the Magus and go aboard.

Of course they get there and it's almost dark. Of course. It wouldn't be fun if you couldn't traipse around the river in the daylight. Noooooooooooooooooo. Let's go in the dark! So they're standing on the deck of the boat and all of a sudden they hear this banging noise from inside the boat. Do they do the sane thing and say 'Welp, we found the boat and asked if anyone was here and no one showed themselves so let's be on our merry little way. I'm sure there is a Marriott down the river a ways.' No. They go inside the boat to find the source of the noise, which happens to be the panic room. The door is welded shut from the outside.

Aaaaaaand they decide to open the door because whenever they bang on the door twice, whatever is inside the panic room bangs back twice. I'm sorry but I'm gonna need a whole lot more evidence of intelligent life than some banging on some pipes. You better damn well know some mother-fucking Morse code and bang out your full name, occupation and blood type before I go opening a door that is WELDED SHUT FROM THE OUTSIDE. Meaning, obviously, that whatever is in the panic room needs to stay in the panic room. But these people are stupid and Mom is all like 'But it could be Emmet!' so out comes the grinder.

In the mean time the engine mechanic has managed to get the electrical systems on board and all of the cameras on the boat are working again. Why in the world they couldn't just look in the panic room with said cameras I don't know. The engine mechanic's daughter also happens to talk to ghosts and she's all like 'Dude, don't open the door. No bueno.' No one listens to her because they're all racist fucks and figure a 16 year old Brazilian girl can't know what the fuck she's talking about when they should be saying to themselves 'You know, we've been on TV for 40 minutes now and she is the only person on this boat that makes any damn sense, maybe she's right?' But they don't and they open the door and this thing flies out and cuts Baby bear's girlfriend on the leg. I'm not sure how the thing cut her because it doesn't really have a body so to speak, but it does manage to cut her and now the thing is hungry because it has tasted blood. Homegirl who talks to ghosts is essentially like 'I fuckin' told you so.' Oh and guess who is not in the panic room? That would be Emmet.

Now this demon critter is flying around the jungle and the crew is straight up panicking to get off the boat (Finally.) and their rafts have been sank. Imagine that. So now they have no choice but to get the boat running and get the fuck out of dodge. To do this they need to clear the propeller of debris. So baby bear and his girlfriend jump right on in the river, in the dark mind you. I have several problems with this: 1. No sane person jumps in an Amazonian river in the dark unless you're on fucking fire and you would rather be eaten by a 12 foot anaconda than be burnt to death. 2. Homegirl was just stitched up 5 minutes previous and she is in the river. Any sane person would have enough sense to stay out of the river with an open wound because I don't know, YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOUR LEG? Who knows what kind of bacteria and parasites are swimming around in the stagnant water beside that boat. 3. PIRANHAS anyone? But they do manage to get the debris cleared and the engine working and they're moseying on down the river.

They've still got the thing from the panic room to deal with though and ghost girl explains how they can trap it. The two cameramen that are on this 3-hour tour go out onto to the deck to try and get footage of the thing and this the point at which 'The River' becomes very much an episode of 'Lost'. The trees are snapping back and forth and there is this weird mechanical sound and you never really see anything; you just see the one cameraman eat it. I've often thought that the smoke-monster from Lost was really under-utilized and I have to admit I was more than a little excited when I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was making a comeback. Think about it. How much better would every show, ever made, be if it had a smoke monster?

Grey's Anatomy - The smoke monster could eat Meredith and we'd all be happier for it.
True Blood - What would bring the vamps, wolves and witches together better than a common enemy?
Law & Order: SVU - It would be a rape without evidence! That story arc would last at least 3 episodes.
The Housewives of Orange County - Oh come on, you know you'd like to see those tramps eviscerated by a smoke monster too.

Anyways, back to The River. They manage to trap the thing, which would be better as a smoke-monster, in a large pecan shell and it tells the Mom that Emmet is still alive by scratching her twice on the belly. (Yeah, I don't know either.) At this point Baby bear is convinced too and he and Mama bear decide they need to go deeper into the unexplored wilderness to find dear old dad. Baby bear, Lincoln, decides that whoever does not want to go should have the opportunity to get off the boat and not go. I don't mean to be critical but I'm not exactly sure what he was going to do with them if they in fact did decide they didn't want to go on this wild goose chase as they are in the middle OF NOWHERE. 'Oh you don't want to go with us? Well I'll just pull the boat on over to the river bank here and you can hop off. The nearest highway is only about 500 miles that way through the uninhabited jungle fulls of poisonous snakes and God knows what but here's a sandwich!'

Lo and behold they all decide to stay on the boat and go on further down the river to the next episode which involves some creepy ass dolls, ghost girl swallows a possessed dragonfly, and once again, they're all traipsing through the jungle in the dark.

*On a technical note, I'm not sure exactly how they plan to stay alive on Emmet's boat as they didn't bring any supplies from their original boat on the rafts nor do they stop for supplies? Also, where do they poop?