Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Badger Bait

Over the weekend sometime I was reading this news story about a midget, excuse me, dwarf, (or are they little people again?) that was killed.

The first odd thing about this midget was that he was an apparent giant in the world of English pornography. Poor word choice I know. For serious folks, this dude was popular. Why was the midget popular in English pornography you ask? Because he looked like Gordon Ramsay, the potty-mouthed chef with a inferiority complex.

Here's the second odd thing. Do you know how said midget/dwarf/little person died?


Yes, badgers. The English policemen found him half-eaten in a badger den. THEY ATE HIM. Well they ate half of him and saved the rest for snackies later.

... ... ...

I've done some research about badgers (Meaning I can use the google and the Wikipedia.) and here is what I've found out. Badgers are members of the weasel family, Mustelidae. Because this happened in England the badgers that ate the poor guy are in the subfamily Melinae This probably doesn't mean much to you, the lay-person, but, Hell who I am kidding? It doesn't mean shit to me either. I'm skipping to the good parts.

A few choice quotes. Please remember that I am quoting Wikipedia directly. DIRECTLY.

"Their lower jaw is articulated to the upper by means of a transverse condyle firmly locked into a long cavity of the cranium, so that dislocation of the jaw is all but impossible. This enables the badger to maintain its hold with the utmost tenacity, but limits its jaw movement to hinging open and shut, or sliding from side to side without the twisting movement possible for the jaws of most mammals."

This will be important later.

Again, another direct quote about the eating habits of badgers, specifically english ones:

"The diet of the Eurasian badger consists largely of earthworms, insects, and grubs. They also eat small mammals, amphibians, reptiles and birds as well as roots and fruit."

Well, so they eat small mammals. I'm just going to leave that one alone.

The Wikipedia article goes on to discuss the English government outlawing the hunting of badgers (A practice they may want to reconsider for the good of their little person population.) and that badger hair is used to make shaving brushes. Who knew?

Here is the kicker: "In 2007 suggestions that British forces deliberately released man-eating badgers near Basra, Iraq, to intimidate the local population were refuted."

Ah ha! So the fact that there are badgers out there that eat people is obviously a fact because why else would they cover it up? Plus there is a wikipedia article about a killer-badger; I've left the link above so that you can see and judge for yourself. We have also established that they eat small mammals. I don't think it's a stretch to think that a family of badgers could eat a small human being, seeing as how we are technically mammals and probably taste better than worms, grubs and roots and fruit. Maybe, I don't know that. For the record I do not eat people. But if I was to eat them I'm pretty sure that my jaw would unhinge because my lower jaw is not articulated to my upper jaw by a transverse condyle firmly locked into my cranium.

Badgers would obviously be bad at giving blow-jobs. For multiple reasons. Mostly because they'd probably eat your penis.

I don't know about you but this adds another whole dimension to my list of 'Unreasonable shit that I am afraid of.' Badger's could very well eat me; I'm only 5'2". In fact they could build a den under my bed and I'd never know because I don't go looking under my bed because I don't keep anything under my bed (The reason why is actually a really funny story that I'll have to tell you one day.) and thus have no reason to venture under there. They could just get hungry one day and pop out while I'm asleep or in the shower and then catch me unawares and BAM! I'm badger food. (Can badgers even climb?)

For Christ sakes alive people, watch your children. They may end up badger food.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I wonned another award. BECAUSE I AM AWESOME!

Yvone over at 'Attracted to Shiny Things,' a completely HILARIOUS blog, has given me an award. Actually she gave it to me a while ago. I am lazy and couldn't think of ten interesting things about myself in a quick like fashion. Plus I've been busy.

*Imagine that this is a picture of a blog award. I cannot figure out how to save the picture of the blog award to my iPad so when I get to a computer that I can actually do that on I'll include but for now imagine this as a blog award picture. ---> [] (It's square, like an actual picture would be. :D tee hee)

Blog award picture that I finally figured out to upload. Even if I had to do it on a laptop instead of my iPad. Technology. Schmeck-nology. Geez.

So to do something with this blog award I have to tell you 10 deep things about myself. I feel that this should be easy because you blog readers already probably know waaaaaaaay too much about me as it is. Here's some more stuff to make you feel awkward.


1. When I was in first grade I took my socks off one day because my feet were all sweaty and put them way back in the back of my cubby and left them there all year. On the last day of school the teacher was cleaning out the cubbies and found the socks and asked whose they were. I never admitted they were my socks. This has been secret for 20 some odd years now. Mrs. Priddy, they were my socks.

2. I'm afraid of Howard the Duck. Seriously.

3. I went black. And came back. So that whole posit is wrong. 

4. I hate cheersing people. Why in the world we need to clink our glasses is beside me. I think it's dumb and I hate it. I hate it when people make me do it and I HATE feeling like I have to do it because there is an expectation of some doe-eyed, grinning person across from me with their fucking hand out with a beverage in it. Don't they know that it's easily possible to actually clink your glass and lose the alcohol in your glass especially if it is still full because you haven't yet drank from it yet? ALCOHOL ABUSE. Stop being a puss-box and drink your fucking drink. Clearly I'm happy for you because I'm sitting with you, drinking, in a bar, or at a table. As long as we aren't under the table then things are good. Needless to say, I hate cheersing people. It's stupid and I won't ever initiate it. There may be a perfunctory chest bump after a really awesome shot but no, not ever, will there be a cheers.

5. Actually I have a list of things that I hate. I update it regularly. One day I will post it. 

6. One time when I was at my boyfriend's house in high school he asked me to get him some Sprite. And then he goes on a 3 minute tirade about how to pour the Sprite out of the bottle because apparently I cannot pour Sprite out of a 2-liter bottle correctly. I totally spit in the Sprite bottle and shook it up when he went away. Just for spite. (:

7. I'm afraid of ending up old and bitter and alone. I'll probably off myself at 30 to prevent this. True story. So enjoy the blog while you can.

8. Actually I could probably stand some pretty intensive therapy. Unfortunately the state just voted to up our mental health co-pay so it looks like I'll be self-medicating and espousing my paranoia here for the next, near future. Aren't you the lucky ones?

9. This one is going to piss some people off but here goes: I don't think OJ actually killed his wife. Shrug. I think he had it done but I don't think he was the one that actually did the killing. I think it was the wierdo house keeper Kato.

10. This past spring when I had Salmonella and I went to the doctor, she stuck her finger in my ass and didn't even buy me dinner. Also this was the first time anything has EVER been stuck in my ass. TMI I know but I thought that was point here. I anticipate that the only things ever to be stuck in my ass will be medically related and hopefully won't be for a good many years yet.

Now I'm supposed to pick some blogs that I read and think are totally cool and that you should read too:

Sassafras Junction

A Beer for the Shower

Secret, Spineless Whine


it's time I said something about this

Well there you have it. Blog Award, numero 2. :D

Thanks Yvonne!

PS - I'm reeeeeeeally sorry for taking so long to post this. I am le-lazy.

*If you haven't figured out that I figured out how to add the picture then there is A WHOLE LOT of figuring left for you to do. 

An unreasonable request.

I have an unreasonable request. First the back story.

Swimmy stuff indicative of a flashback-type thing. dooo doo doooo

(Yes, that is the proper onomatopoeia for flashbacking.)

Today I gave blood at work, because for some reason I feel compelled to be impaled (See what I did there? It's coming back to me! or maybe not. The ability to actually write, coherently.) by some angry nurse type person. Seriously? Are they real nurses? I should check next time.

Overall it went pretty well except my appointment to have my blood drawn was at 3:15 and I was walking out of the room where the blood drive was held at 5 PM. Yes, I was there for an hour and 45 minutes.

You may think that my unreasonable request relate to the fact that the Red Cross lackeys do not know the difference between an appointment and a walk-in. We've moved on past that anger.

Now, we, or I, am angry at the people whose genetic identity I share. Later this evening I went to the local homeless shelter to volunteer like I always do every other Tuesday and while I was there I became extremely light-headed and had to lay down in the counselor's office to keep from passing out.

Fast-forward to speaking via telephone with my mother whose current complaint is that her mouth is dry. Here is our conversation:

Mom: You know Anna, I'm not sure what I've taken but my mouth is so dry. I had to drink water ALL DAY LONG.
Me: You're supposed to do that Mom. You have one kidney and it only limps along.
Mom: Yes, but I had to drink water ALL DAY LONG. ALL DAY Anna.
Me: Well I almost passed out at the shelter tonight.
Mom: I don't understand why my mouth is so dry. I'm only taking one diuretic so that my kidney doesn't hold the water it collects. Why is my mouth so dry Anna?
Me: I don't know, you probably need to drink more water. By the way, I kind of passed out this evening.
Mom: I do drink a lot of water. It's all I do. The doctor told me I needed to drink lots of water. So I do.
Me: If you drank the right amount of water your mouth wouldn't be dry. I almost died tonight Mom.
Mom: I'm telling you Anna, that isn't it. I drink plenty of water. We need to investigate why my mouth is so dry.
Me: I am currently dead. I'm speaking to you from beyond the veil of existence.
Mom: And another thing, I've got this odd rash that I think could be from these antibiotics I'm taking. Do you think?
Me: Seriously Mom, I'm dead. D.E.A.D. Dead.
Mom: Hmmm, maybe not though. I was outside in the yard today with the dog. You know, the dog is awfully thirsty these days too. Maybe her mouth is dry too? I wonder if that's related to my mouth being dry?
Me: I'm also pregnant. By a gimpy, hobbly circus clown. We're moving to Guadalajara to run away and join the circus. We're gonna put a pumpkin on the baby's head and call it 'Pumpkin-Head' and have it in the sideshow. That baby is going to make us rich.
Mom: I guess it could be the change in the weather. You think?
Me: Sigh. Yes mother, I suppose it could be the change in the weather. Or maybe you just don't drink enough water.

Do you see that? Do you see that she is no longer my parent? Shit, she longer even listens to me; I am not required for conversation between the two of us, any warm body would suffice really.

For once I would like my parents to put themselves aside and do some actual parenting. Not for the rest of their lives or anything but if they could just take 10 minutes out of their busy self-absorbed schedule to say 'Gee, Anna. Are you alright? Do you feel okay now? Don't put a pumpkin on the baby's head. We'll love it no matter what.'

But I guess that is the true unreasonable request.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

You are not prepared for this.

Seriously. I don't care who you think you are or how tough you think you are or even if you are hardcore.

You Are NOT Ready for what I'm about to show you.

Your paradigm will shift.

Your world will tilt.

You will probably pass out.

And this is totally and completely and utterly NOT SAFE FOR WORK. DO NOT OPEN THIS AT WORK as it may cause your head to explode and your boss does not want to clean your brains out of your keyboard.

Your mother on the other hand may be a little more inclined to do this service for you.

Are you ready? Go ahead and click on it. I'll wait.

You will be speechless.

Told ya.