Badger Bait

Over the weekend sometime I was reading this news story about a midget, excuse me, dwarf, (or are they little people again?) that was killed.

The first odd thing about this midget was that he was an apparent giant in the world of English pornography. Poor word choice I know. For serious folks, this dude was popular. Why was the midget popular in English pornography you ask? Because he looked like Gordon Ramsay, the potty-mouthed chef with a inferiority complex.

Here's the second odd thing. Do you know how said midget/dwarf/little person died?

Badgers.

Yes, badgers. The English policemen found him half-eaten in a badger den. THEY ATE HIM. Well they ate half of him and saved the rest for snackies later.

... ... ...

I've done some research about badgers (Meaning I can use the google and the Wikipedia.) and here is what I've found out. Badgers are members of the weasel family, Mustelidae. Because this happened in England the badgers that ate the poor guy are in the subfamily Melinae This probably doesn't mean much to you, the lay-person, but, Hell who I am kidding? It doesn't mean shit to me either. I'm skipping to the good parts.

A few choice quotes. Please remember that I am quoting Wikipedia directly. DIRECTLY.

"Their lower jaw is articulated to the upper by means of a transverse condyle firmly locked into a long cavity of the cranium, so that dislocation of the jaw is all but impossible. This enables the badger to maintain its hold with the utmost tenacity, but limits its jaw movement to hinging open and shut, or sliding from side to side without the twisting movement possible for the jaws of most mammals."

This will be important later.

Again, another direct quote about the eating habits of badgers, specifically english ones:

"The diet of the Eurasian badger consists largely of earthworms, insects, and grubs. They also eat small mammals, amphibians, reptiles and birds as well as roots and fruit."

Well, so they eat small mammals. I'm just going to leave that one alone.

The Wikipedia article goes on to discuss the English government outlawing the hunting of badgers (A practice they may want to reconsider for the good of their little person population.) and that badger hair is used to make shaving brushes. Who knew?

Here is the kicker: "In 2007 suggestions that British forces deliberately released man-eating badgers near Basra, Iraq, to intimidate the local population were refuted."

Ah ha! So the fact that there are badgers out there that eat people is obviously a fact because why else would they cover it up? Plus there is a wikipedia article about a killer-badger; I've left the link above so that you can see and judge for yourself. We have also established that they eat small mammals. I don't think it's a stretch to think that a family of badgers could eat a small human being, seeing as how we are technically mammals and probably taste better than worms, grubs and roots and fruit. Maybe, I don't know that. For the record I do not eat people. But if I was to eat them I'm pretty sure that my jaw would unhinge because my lower jaw is not articulated to my upper jaw by a transverse condyle firmly locked into my cranium.

Badgers would obviously be bad at giving blow-jobs. For multiple reasons. Mostly because they'd probably eat your penis.

I don't know about you but this adds another whole dimension to my list of 'Unreasonable shit that I am afraid of.' Badger's could very well eat me; I'm only 5'2". In fact they could build a den under my bed and I'd never know because I don't go looking under my bed because I don't keep anything under my bed (The reason why is actually a really funny story that I'll have to tell you one day.) and thus have no reason to venture under there. They could just get hungry one day and pop out while I'm asleep or in the shower and then catch me unawares and BAM! I'm badger food. (Can badgers even climb?)

For Christ sakes alive people, watch your children. They may end up badger food.