Thursday, April 8, 2010

An open letter to the annoying girl in my spin class:

Ahem.

I understand that you are new to the concept of spin class. Mostly because you showed up late, which is extremely tacky.

But here are a few things to remember:

1. Be Prompt! You cannot show up 20 minutes into class and then whine when I tell you that you still have at least another 20 minutes 5 minutes later when you ask me how much is left.

2. There are plenty of open bikes in the room. People in spin class do not sit next to each unless they: A) Know one another. or B) The room is full. Just because I look friendly does not mean you need to sit beside me. It's a lot like if we were men (which we aren't. Well I'm not. I'm assuming you aren't either because you have breasts and really ratty stringy long hair that suggests you are a woman but seriously...What self-respecting woman would let her hair look like that? Plus I don't like to assume things. It gets me in trouble.) and were in an empty bathroom and you came in and had to use the direct urinal beside mine, even though the rest of them are empty. It's creepy and weird. We space ourselves out for a reason. It gets incredibly hot. 5 people in an enclosed room riding a bike for 45 minutes generates lots of heat. Not to mention that when you sit beside me it cuts off my airflow from the fan. GO AWAY.

3. If you are able to hold a conversation you are clearly not working hard enough. You've already asked me how often I come and you now know that I come to spin class at least 4 days a week, most weeks 5 days. You know that I am clearly serious and committed to a fitness goal. This should clue you into the fact that I am working hard and cannot talk. This could also be recognized by my pained expression and inability to complete sentences. Just because you are lazy and unmotivated does not indicate that I am as well. (Whether or not I am lazy is not the subject of discussion at this moment in time.) And no I do not want to tell you which specific spin class sessions I come to because I'm afraid you'll start coming to ones I come to. And yes, I do know this is hard because we've already established that I am working hard because I'm breathing hard and sweating like a pig or a whore in church which I doubt you've ever seen the inside of because really? Who wears that to the gym? The gym is considered public! Dressing like that is probably how you got those two children that you take to kid care. This is probably the most work you've done since you obtained the gametes that were the progenitors of those children. And No! I'm not jealous that you have children and are probably pushing 20. I'M FINE WITH THE PROGRESS OF MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK! I'M NOT BITTER AT ALL...I DO THIS FOR FUN! IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M INCAPABLE OF HAVING A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE I HAVE A POOR SELF IMAGE AT TIMES AND ATTRIBUTE MY LACK OF CHILDREN AND SPOUSE TO IT! IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS FUN!

THIS IS FUN! FUN I TELL YOU! FUN FUN FUN! I'M HAVING FUN! CAN'T YOU TELL! I ALWAYS HAVE A STROKE WHEN I'M HAVING FUN! DON'T YOU?

Are you going to use that workout towel? Can I wipe away the tears of my lonely and misfortunate life with it? Or at the very least can I use it to wipe the sweat that I produced from actually working hard? A concept which to you seems to be foreign.

Now that you have been well-versed please do remember not to talk to me in the future, in spin class or otherwise.

Yours truly,
Anna

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