I've just noticed that I've taped my degree in the frame crooked. It's not level. Why does this not surprise me? Nothing about my life is level or normal or flush. Something is always amiss.
Take today for example, my mother called me freaking out because her GPS was speaking to her in French. Nevermind the fact that she was returning from the same place at the same beach to the same town she's lived in her whole life. I'm not really sure why she hasn't memorized how to get down there and back yet. I'm also not really sure why she thought that I would be able to solve the issue over the phone. Probably for the same reason she still calls me when she cannot find the remote, the fingernail clippers, the thermometer or any other inane household item even though I haven't lived there in years. My father does the same thing. He pulls his hernia scar and experiences shooting pains and calls me to ask what he should do.
"Hey A.G., (He calls me A.G. when it's serious.) I picked up something heavy and I felt a rip in my hernia scar and now there's an intense shooting pain. What should I do?"
"Um...Go to the emergency room?!?"
"Well I can't."
"Why not? If you go now I could go with you."
"I have to go to work tomorrow and Saturday. I'll go on Saturday night."
"Dad, don't you think if the pain was so bad that you had to leave work today you won't be able to work tomorrow? It's not going to go away. If you don't want to go tonight why don't you go to the doctor tomorrow?"
"No, I have to work."
Fast forward to the next day fifteen minutes after I've arrived at work which I've driven 35 miles to get to.
"Hey A.G., I think I need to go to the emergency room now."
Of course he does. It never ceases to amaze me the ability my parents have to drive me into a full blown tizzy. That exchange with my father caused me to lose my car in the parking deck and the parking deck is only 5 floors. It took me a solid 20 minutes to find my car. I'm not playing with a full deck to begin with so dealing with my parents some days just exacerbates the issues that are there because of them.
I think it's mostly that they both have an external locus of control and the majority of the time that locus is me, the only child. Hence I'm supposed to know where my mother leaves things along with her TV schedule (Literally. I know what shows she watches, when they come on and what channel.) I'm supposed to provide complex diagnostic medicine to both my father and his cat along with detailed pharmacology information on demand. Most of the time I feel as if there is an understood expectation that I'm somehow to blame for the bad things in their lives. Last week my mother was irate with me for going to beach, all because I went without her. Nevermind the fact that I wasn't at the beach or hadn't been nor were planning to go anytime soon. It was simply the idea that I was operating independently of her. My father is currently vexed with me because he's seen all of the DVD's that I own, because it's my job to keep the man entertained.
I suppose such is my cross to bear. Don't mis-understand me, I know it could be much worse. I'm extremely blessed to have the both of them in my life and I love them both dearly. And they both have good aspects as well. I'm just saying that I'm thankful they're divorced. And that it would be nice to be appreciated every now and again.
In retrospect I think having a crooked degree is admirable. Dealing with parents like mine is somewhat like "Riding a psychotic horse towards a burning barn." (To borrow a quote from The Birdcage.) At least I've kept it together long enough to get a degree.
Oh damn, the phone is ringing now. I wonder which one of them it could be.
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