Friday, April 23, 2010

My new dieting strategy.

So I've come up with a new dieting strategy as has been clearly elucidated by the title of this very post!

I've decided to blog whenever I am hungry at inappropriate times. I feel fully confident in this plan. Well not really, I'm never really fully confident in anything. I think that quality accompanies the wishy-washiness. I'm mostly concerned I'll run out of things to say.

Since this is a dieting type post I'll stick to dieting type things.

I wonder if I will ever quit craving fatty foods? Most people crave sweets. Not me. I will gorge myself until I practically puke on pizza, stuffing, bread, ranch dressing, french fries, red meat.

I know I'm beginning to creep people out at this point in my diet. There are only so many vegetables a person can consume before they start to resent the vegetables themselves. Even the farmers that grow them. The other day I wanted to find the nearest dairy farmer and throw myself at them for butter or even sour cream. Awesome, I just admitted that I would ho myself out for butter. That has to be a new low.

Take today for instance, I ate lunch. I was extremely satisfied with it. I had a little cup of Chef Boyardee beef ravioli (for energy and protein) and an applesauce cup (because apple sauce freaking ROCKS!) along with a Diet Coke. Then I get a phone call from the guy in the chem dept who is going to use the scope that afternoon. He proceeds to explain to me that he ran to get a quick bite to eat at McDonald's and then starts to talk about his expectations of the imaging, etc. He lost me at McDonalds.

Several thoughts ran through my head and here they are, accurately and in the proper order:

1. I hope he doesn't smell like french fries when he comes back because then I'll just die. I don't think that it's very professional to stand close to him and to sniff him repeatedly. It may creep him out.

2. Please have gotten a Big Mac. Maybe if he did, he'll still smell like the special sauce by the time he gets here.

3. Would it be rude to ask if he would bring me a Big Mac? I don't need the french fries. Just the beef and special sauce and bread part.

4. Could I ask him that without sounding like one of those creepos that does the heavy breathing on the phone?

5. Probably not.

6. I love those little cheeseburgers. They're so good!

7. Crap! I should be paying attention. I think the food talk has finished.

So here we are. Well at least I am. I'm now angry with people because they're eating what I cannot. I find myself opining for people's dinners and suppers. Strangely not their snacks though. I have sunk to a new low. It's pathetic. But I'll get up tomorrow and pack my lunch and it will include brussel sprouts or green beans (and maybe a lean pocket. I'm out of ravioli.) and I'll be happy about it. I'll put on a brave front and smile. I'll even chat myself up about how much I love brussel sprouts. I will even go so far as to use visualization techniques of me being all svelte in my new dress to convince myself that I enjoy my healthy lunch.

But on the inside my soul will be withering away into nothingness. My will to live will be sputtering out. I'll always be that little girl who just wants to be loved, to be accepted, and to swim in a giant vat of ranch dressing while eating pizza and drinking Mt. Dew by the gallon.

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