Trial by Fire - Online Dating Edition, 1

As you all know, I've created an online dating profile on a popular website. (I knew this was going to be trouble.)

According to my legal counsel, (which I have put on retainer with soda and tater tots) , I have to say that all of the following ARE IMPRESSIONS ONLY. THESE ARE ONLY MY IMPRESSIONS. THESE ARE NOT FACTS OR ASSUMPTIONS. IMPRESSIONS ONLY.

The following pictures are pictures of the people that have 'winked' at me. REMEMBER: THESE ARE MY IMPRESSIONS ONLY. For serious folks. IMPRESSIONS ONLY and/or imagined internal dialogues. By no means are these actual conversations they've had with themselves. (I'm going straight to Hell.)

hey there hot stuff. "im a hugh football, basketball fan. i love college football, basketball. hang out with freinds." Actual quote in quotes.

"I rough talked that big-foot. told him to git. 'Git on out of here I sed'...'He had beautiful hair'," (If you haven't seen this video, it's hilarious.)

This guy is a hunter. This is the picture without the dead things in the background. Dead things in the background are only attractive when they've been coming after you and you feared for your life and Then jungle man comes leaping out of the woods to save you.

That's when dead things are hot.

Otherwise, they're creepy. Well at least to me, I think dead things are creepy. I'm sure there are plenty of acceptable women out there who enjoy dead things. And I AM NOT PASSING JUDGEMENT ON THEM. Not at all. It is my IMPRESSION that dead things are creepy.


I think this guy is having some internal distress. They say that babies smile when they have gas. He looks constipated here, but otherwise somewhat normal. Except for the fact that his entire picture oeuvre consists of this picture x32, just substituting a difference position of the camera.

Seriously? Pick a new pose or a new background, or here's a novel idea: Have SOMEONE ELSE take the picture(s).


So let's have some fun here. I'll let you blog readers, pick which one of these three to 'wink' back at. I'll give you until tomorrow (Wednesday) evening. The guy with the most votes wins.

We'll call them:

#1 - BigFoot (because I like the video, not because he resembles Bigfoot in any way)

#2 - Hunter Elf (because supposedly, I stress supposedly, he is really really short. I do not know that for a fact nor are claiming that being short is derogatory in any way.)

#3 - Kaopectate (because Kaopectate is supposedly good for constipation)

Edition 2 coming up shortly.

Moxy on the Move - Random Pictures

Soooo...This weekend was kind of crazy busy for me. So this MotM is going to be a few pictures that didn't make the original cut:

Moxy at the DeWalt display. MotM - Lowe's Home Improvement

Moxy in the toilet. MotM - Lowe's Home Improvement

This, for serious, may be my favorite Moxy picture. MotM - Pet Supplies Plus

Moxy with a deer, that is stuffed. MotM - Bass Pro Shop

Moxy in a lampshade. MotM - Hancock Fabrics

Moxy chilling by the grill (that you cannot see.) MotM - Nissen Building Pool.

I promise new a new Moxy on the Move this upcoming weekend! For serious!

Apparently, I've reached my lame threshold.

So today I did it. I took the plunge and created an online dating profile. Which was incredibly difficult. They want to know everything about you.

(It's very hard to be sarcastic and appealing at the same time. Very hard.)

Just so that everyone is on the same page I want to elucidate the reasons why I created an online dating profile:

I need blog fodder. And I kind of also need to have children at some point in my life.



But mostly I need blog fodder.

I know that you, blog readers, feel some kinship with my uterus, mostly because I talk about it all the time and how it's lonely, and pitiful, and drying up and withering away, but surely you do realize I'm just being dramatic. And by no means do I really feel that my uterus is drying up.

Nope, not at all.


No. Honestly I really don't think that.

I mean it's true that I do want kids someday and I'm starting to get a little anxious that I'm going to end up old and withered and alone, and then no one will really love because let's face it. There's not a lot going for me and I have to deal with what I've got and people don't like old people. They cuss at them when they drive, groan when they're in line behind them at the supermarket, and put them into pee-smelling retirement homes!

I CANNOT HANDLE THE PEE SMELL. I REALLY CANNOT DO IT. I HAVE TO FIND A HUSBAND AND NOW. I CAN'T GO TO ONE OF THOSE PLACES. I HAVE TO PUT MY UTERUS TO USE AND QUICKLY. MAYBE IF I JUST BUY A SMALL CHILD PEOPLE WILL THINK THAT I HAD IT AND I WONT END UP OLD AND ALONE AND WITHERED BECAUSE IT WILL BE A CUTE BABY AND PEOPLE LOVE CUTE BABIES. PEOPLE ARE DRAWN TO PEOPLE WITH CUTE BABIES AND THEN I CAN JUST WRANGLE A HUSBAND THAT WAY, HE'LL BE ALL LIKE

"Hey, where do you get that cute baby?"

And I can make up a story about how the baby's father died in some central-American conflict zone (Are there any central American conflict zones?) and technically I won't be lying and he'll be all like

"Damn that sucks. This child needs a father, do you want to marry me so I can raise this cute child and buy you pretty things?"

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WHERE DO I BUY A CHILD AT?

An open letter to those who have external loci of control

Ahem. Because I'm not one to criticize without examining myself first, I'll admit I have character flaws. But at least I am self aware.

I know I'm lazy. I'm all about getting the maximum effect out of the least effort. In fact, sometimes it is amazing how lazy I am. In the mornings sometimes, when I wake up I consider actually peeing the bed because I don't want to get out of the bed to go pee. I've even researched getting a catheter for that very reason, (Well, okay that is creepy, and all I really did was ask a friend of mine in med school at Carolina if a doctor would put one in for that. He said no. So I'm still getting up to pee.) The point being is that I'm self aware. I realize that I obviously am a lazy bia.

It would be one thing if you were a religious fanatic. They at least believe the good things and bad things are out of their hands and are being divied amongst the believers as trials by fire or joyous rewards. But you, dear ones, you believe that only the good things are under your control. Whilst all the bad things are everyone else's fault.

I am not responsible for the way you respond to a situation. Only you can direct your actions and feelings. Yes, I could probably be a little less sarcastic but cut me some fucking slack here. I'm not doing this for my health. I don't sit around and fret and take the time to formulate these suggestions because I'm bored. Maybe it actually does mean that I'm concerned and I care? Let's focus on that.

I still support my earlier supposition that your life would be much better ran, if I was doing the running. (Before you point out the lack of activity in my love life let me remind you of this: I'm totally doing that on purpose. Duh.) But if you are going to run your own life then buck up and be responsible for your own self. If you get pissed off and flustered because you cannot handle what I'm saying then there are several things you can do: you can hang up, you can shut up or you can react the way you did. But do not then blame me because you can't get anything done in that state of mind.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that it is extremely difficult to control your reactions sometimes. Someone shoots your cheetah, you're liable to be pissed and shoot them back. But that doesn't make them responsible for being shot. You still shot them. You may be vindicated and/or correct in your response but still. You understand what I'm shooting for, (just to overuse a metaphor here) correct?

And as for you,

One of the hallmarks of being an adult is recognizing the consequences of your actions or inaction, as the case may be. Yes, sometimes bad shit does happen to people, randomly. But the majority of the time you bring it on yourself. You're twice my age and still have not grasped this idea. Thus I was running your life, when I was 10. I'm not even sure how to criticize you because doing that makes me a litte ashamed since I've essentially raised you. But I've made the same mistakes your own mother made. You still don't understand that you create your own circumstances; you've always been bailed out thus eliminating the connection between action and consequence. Hence you've developed an external locus of control. And somehow I'm not only the cause of the latest catastrophic storm in your life but also responsible for fixing it. But heaven forbid something go right, because that is never my doing. No. God blessed you.

Don't misunderstand. I'm positive that God does indeed bless you, but can I get a little credit when credit is due? It's obvious God loves you because you are the luckiest SOB on the planet, so He must have a purpose for you. I sometimes wonder if it's to aggravate the shit out of me though. Or maybe to teach me patience? (That has been my goal for the year. I keep praying for patience. I have none)

I'm glad we had this talk. Please do work on connecting your actions to your consequences. I'm not getting any younger and this isn't getting any easier.

Sincerely,
Your Daughter, Anna Gray

I'm too discombobulated to care.

Alright, I'm going to say it.

I'm tired of seeing oil covered pelicans.

Think of me what you will, but I have decided to no longer care.

Because honestly, what am I going to do save the birdies? Am I going down there to submerge them in dawn and freak them out? No. They'll die anyways. The oil they're covered in, they've most certainly ingested. Hence, their liver is shot and they're going to be dead shortly anyways. What am I going to do to change the situation? Quit driving? I'm American. It's my DNA to drive distances I could walk. (I am going to start making my commute via the bus next month. That should provide lots of blog fodder. For serious, the upcoming month's blogs should be ripe, lots of happenings to provide blog fodder. Two words: Online dating. eek!)

There are just some days that I simply cannot waste the emotional energy caring about things I can do nothing about. When I was 16, I gave myself a bleeding ulcer doing this. For serious, it was bad news bears. It's hard enough trying to be proactive about the things that I can do something about. Then you have to spend the time trying to figure out the difference between those things you can affect and the things you cannot.

Oh looky, yet another blog post about how I have control issues. It's good to see that I've had some personal growth in the last few months.

Horrible Homonyms: Hopefully Howard has helped himself.

I'm in a shit mood. I'm not sure why. I just am.

You know what that means? Yes, it is indeed time to criticize.

I'm done with stupid people. I am no longer providing you with a stage for your idiocy. I am going to start deleting people from my social media page who are stupid. This will probably mean that I end up with 7 "friends" on the FaceSpace but whatever. At least I won't be privy to your creative spelling and inventive diction.

For your benefit I am providing you a list of the the top seven (I was going to go with 10, but I got bored and started to youtube sesame street videos. They cheer me up.) things that prove to me that you are stupid:

1. Loose v lose. I see this one so often that at least once a week I question whether I indeed know the definitions of these individual words and look them up. (I understand that these aren't homonyms but they are my number #1 aggravation.)

Definitions (from m-w.com):
Loose - not rigidly fastened or securely attached
Lose - to miss from one's possession or from a customary or supposed place

Example:
Loose - Your teeth will be loose after I punch you in the face three times for being an idiot.
Lose - You will lose your teeth after I've resumed punching you and that fourth time, that'll do it. You will have no teeth.

2. They're, their, there. One's possessive, one is an adverb and one is a contraction. If you can't figure it out, I'll help you.

They're = contraction of They and are, as in: They're stupid fucks, obviously.
Their = possessive: Their stupid face. Their stupidity knows no limits.
There = adverb (Meaning where the bunny can run. For serious, that's how I remember what adverbs are.)

3. Dam and damn. For serious? You cannot even cuss correctly?

Dam's hold back water and create reservoirs. Mostly used for hydroelectric power. See Hoover Dam.
Damning someone is condemning them; the majority of time to hell. There are instances where damn is indeed a noun as well, meaning: a minimum amount or degree (as of care or consideration). I don't give a damn. He's not worth a damn.

Damn damn damn damn damn. (I just like saying damn. It's my second favorite naughty word, behind shit.)

4. Eunuchs and Unix. No one I know ever really makes this mistake. Mostly because the people I know that would talk about eunuchs aren't computer people. I just included it because for some reason, that I probably shouldn't mention, I find the thought of eunuchs hilarious. Unix, not so much.

5. Know and No.

U no is not an acceptable way of telling someone that they do indeed know a fact or someone.

Definitions:
Know = to have understanding of
No = a declarative negative, ie: Do you like grape jelly? No.

6. Pray and prey. If you are indeed the bible-thumper you say that you are, shouldn't you know (not no) the difference between these two?

You pray to the Lord so you are not prey for the devil. And zombies, sharks, tigers and chainsaw wielding maniacs.

7. Two, too and to. Most of these issues come from people not knowing when to use too and when to use to. I'll give you that the majority of stupid people I know can at least count to two.

Definitions:
Two - 1, 2. Two. A smashing demonstration.
To - a function word indicating movement or an action or condition suggestive of movement toward a place, person, or thing reached
Too - besides, also; also to an excessive degree.

Example:
Two birdies fly to the telephone wire that has too much electricity and thus they are now fried.

Now that I have elucidated the top seven homonyms that piss me off, please do make an effort. Also if you feel a need or are so compelled to print this out as a handy instruction sheet, please do. With a little bit of practice and a little know-how, you too can stay my friend on the FaceSpace.

Moxy on the Move - The Nissen Building Pool

Today Moxy decided she needed a day of fun in the sun! Woo hoo! Off we went to the roof of the Nissen building to hang out at the pool.

Moxy chillaxing on the steps of the pool.

Moxy loves her aviator sunglasses. We have matching pairs, because we're hip and happening kind of people. Well Moxy is a hip and happening uglydoll, I'm hip and happening people. Person really.

Moxy is life of the partay at the pool.

In true uglydoll nature she has all the best jokes. Truly, they're Hi-Lar-Ious. Hilarious. As you can see all of her friends think she's the cat's meow.

Moxy getting some sun.

True to her rebellious form, Moxy lays out without sunscreen! Oh the horror! Thankfully I don't think uglydolls can get skin cancer. No thymine dimers for Moxy. She is truly a lucky lucky uglydoll. Unfortunately she doesn't tan, which she is very sad about.

We had quite a wonderful day at the pool today! Hopefully we'll have many more pool days in the future as the first day of summer is tomorrow. Can't wait to see you there!