Wednesday, August 29, 2012

My campaign to keep placenta off the radio.

Yesterday I was on my way home and that annoying song 'Lightning Crashes' from that band LIVE (Which is really difficult to Google by the way. Go ahead and Google the word 'Live' and see where you get.) came on the radio and I've decided that it is not only annoyingly overplayed but also inane. Here's why.

The second line of the song goes like this: Her placenta falls to the floor.

Have you EVER seen a placenta? I have. And I get that this song is about his baby being born or abortion or something meaningful but for serious? Let me tell you what would happen if a placenta fell to the floor.

First, they're not small. It takes two hands to hold them. (I know this because my office is beside the anatomy lab and I ALWAYS manage to walk by when they're changing the fixative on the placentas. Guh-ross.) And they smell. And there is a lot of fluid. They're kind of like if you took one of those plastic bags from the grocery-store and put a liver in it. And then filled it with partially bloody, smelly fish water.

If this thing supposedly 'fell' to the floor then it would 'PLOP'. There's some accurate onomatopoeia for you. PLOP. Take a minute and think about the PLOP that would happen when your liver and fish-water filled grocery bag fell to the floor. Heaven forbid if there was still fluid in it because then it would dribble out and make a slippery puddle. And all the medical professionals in the room would slip and slide and fall down in a comical impression of ice dancing. Except for ice there would be nasty placenta fish water.

That is assuming that there are medical professionals in the room because why else would the placenta fall to the floor. Is there no one catching said placenta when it is shat from said lady's vagina? Or have they caught it and then placed it on a table? Why would you put it on a table? I get that they need to test it and what not but still.

'Here. Here is a lovely spot for this placenta to rest for the mean time. On this table.'


My main point here is that in no way should placenta be mentioned in this song. It by no means lends a certain amount of romanticism or gravity to the song. It's just gross. If the second line of your radio song perplexes the public so much so that they are no longer listening to your song but thinking about the sound that a placenta would make as it fell to the floor then you are not doing your job as a singer/songwriter.

But after that I did start thinking about the placenta growing legs, chucking up the deuces and walking the fuck out of the procedure room and that made me giggle. So there's that.


  1. I had to go look up Live to see whatever happened to them. Apparently the other three members are currently suing the singer. Whether it's for the use of the word placenta in that song it didn't say.

    P.S. Welcome back.

  2. Jebus Cripes, I posted a whole thing about 'needy' and missing you and all this shit along side of the totally agree with you about the placenta line, and LOST IT.
    GadDANGIT, I hate when that happens.

  3. @ Christian - Thanks so much. It's been a rough couple of months but hopefully I have found the funneh again.

    @ Venom - I DO HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! Gaaaaaaah!