I am probably going to Hell. Who are we kidding? I'll be driving the bus to Hell.
The way I cuss and binge drink socially combined with my inherent belief that some people just deserve to die; I'm a prime candidate to spend eternity amongst the sinners and those doomed to roast ad infinitum.
But I am starting to wonder if I'm beginning my endurance training for it now. Do you want to know the temperature of my office?
It is currently 80.4 degrees Fahrenheit in my office. Yes, that is right. 80.4 degrees. Everywhere I go it is HOT. At night, my room-mate who has absolutely zero circulation keeps it HOT in our apartment so I sweat, all night long. I wake up and the first thing I do is sigh because I'm suffocating in the heat. The heat of my own house.
The crazy thing is that I like the heat. I like it outside, when the sun is shining, and some kid named Pablo is bringing me a margarita, and I'm baking in the sun like a Thanksgiving turkey. That's the color I aspire to in my tanning - Thanksgiving Turkey. Well not really, but kind of. I do enjoy having a tan. Mostly because it is one of the few things I do well. It combines actually laying around, without pants, and sometimes drinking. Are you kidding? I should have a medal in tanning. I do all of those things superbly well.
Anyways I digress. Must I spend the rest of my dying days suffering everyone else's poor circulation and slow metabolism? Am I doomed to sweat every second of every day for the rest of my poor, pitiful life? Must I throw open a window every 15 minutes and shove as much of myself as I can get out the window to have a respite from the heat? (Which by the way is quite dangerous for me because I'm totally top-heavy and unless someone is holding on to my feet I'm a goner.)
I would think that maybe I'm having a hot-flash except for the fact that IT IS 80 FUCKING DEGREES IN MY OFFICE.
I wonder if anyone would notice if I took off my pants in my office...
NO! You MUST fight back! Like Mel Gibson in Braveheart or Mel Gibson in anything versus his wife, you must fight back! But preferably with less antisemitism. Get a fan! Or better, get one of those plastic cases they put around the thermostat so that you're the only one who can control the temperature. Make the climate yours! Or just rub your sweaty crotch on things until they acquiesce to your demands.
ReplyDeleteSadly I am the only one to inhabit my office and it is 'controlled' remotely because the University has a 'Climate Control Plan.' Apparently they want me to roast. But I do enjoy this idea of a rubbing my crotch on things. That sounds like something I would do.
ReplyDeleteGet yourself a little space AC unit. Charge admission for your fellow co-workers who want to come and partake of your awesome portable cooling systm.
ReplyDeleteThey make those? Are you sure this isn't some ploy from your engineer husband to build a thing? Skeptical Anna is skeptical.
DeleteSo sorry re your mother Anna - yep - it puts not blogging in perspective - well um hell sounds more fun than the other place anyhow..
ReplyDeleteYeeeeeeah. (:
DeleteI'm all for no pants in the office. But all 35 of my proposals have been turned down by HR. Something about lawsuits and making customers feel awkward. Jerkwads.
ReplyDeleteYou should totally sue for defamation or something. There has to be a law allowing people to not wear pants.
DeleteIf you can't find the afore mentioned little AC unit I would install a window unit - F the U and their stupid, miserable, inefficient 'climate control plan' - obviously they don't know wtf so circumvent the idiocy.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm also thinking you could maybe charge people to have them rub your crotch on them....? Just a thought.
^GREATEST IDEA EVER
DeleteIs your office run by my grandma? Because even if it's 79.5 degrees in her house, you'll hear her shrieking that it's "too damn cold! Crank up that heat! It's freezing in here!"
ReplyDeleteI know right! It's the evil people at Facilities Services who are trying to somehow save the environment by cranking up the heat and burning the rapidly depleting fossil fuels???
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