So apparently my hormones have gone into full tilt boogie because out of the last five posts, 2 have included snatch, 1 was about food, and the other 2 were about illegal substances. I'm not sure what this says about me except that I'm very obviously extremely mentally disturbed and choose to deal with it in the only the healthiest ways possible.
But the guys over at A Beer for the Shower mentioned that I use the word 'snatch' quite efficiently. Which is true.
I thought I'd share a funny story about the how and when I started to use the word in regular conversation.
And no this isn't like that time when I was eight and referred to a man's testicles as balls in front of my entire family while watching America's Funniest Video's and my mother passed out from shame. This actually was probably worse. It involves someone who is mentally handicapped. (And while I do sometimes wonder if my mother is mentally handicapped I know that she is not. She merely has the capacity for evil.)
I used to work in a local florist here in town my senior year of college because I was poor and needed money for booze. Duh. There was this guy that used to come in to the florist to buy flowers for his respective girlfriends and while he was completely nice, he was just a smidge awkward. Something was off about him and I expected that he probably had a mild learning disability. But he was totally nice! I stress to you that he was totally nice so that you don't judge me for being creeped out by the functional retard. But he leered at me. Often. And for a repeated length of time. Then it came to pass that he was starting to show up at the florist pretty much everytime I worked and then lo-and-behold he was showing up everyday asking for me, even when I wasn't there.
Then one day, he bought flowers when I was working and gave them to me on the spot. I was extremely nice in refusing to accept them but I explained that it wasn't something I would be comfortable doing because I wasn't interested in him romantically. It worked because he didn't show back up. So kudos to me.
Wait, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'How could you give yourself kudos? How did you know that he wasn't at home sobbing his eyes out?' I know this because after he stopped coming to the florist I started seeing him at the bar. Obviously, he wasn't that hurt. With his mother. Whom I may or may not have had a drunken conversation with about how I really didn't want to hurt his feelings but I didn't want to lead him on either. I was drunk; I can't remember.
Needless to say we (Yes, my entire posse of friends.) switched bars and started to frequent the one across the street and once he and his mom figured that out we switched back. Musical bars as it were.
I tell you all of this to prove to you how creepy this guy was and how much it skeezed me out to be around him. Ya'll know I'm a busty girl but I honestly feel bad for being nice to people whom I know don't have a snowball's chance in hell with me, but simply cannot help themselves from being drawn into the gravitational pull of the awesomeness that is my chesticular region. (Modest, I am not.) And it embarrasses the shit out of me to know that I'm being stared at.
You're waiting for the snatch; Here it comes.
I'm at Border's one day many years later with roomie and we're perusing the DVD's and guess who I see, making a beeline for me while dragging his mom who is currently waving at me? Our friend from the florist.
I'm visibly starting to panic and I look at roomie and he just shrugs and I am stuck.
So they approach together and we begin our nicities to make polite conversation. Polite conversation which involves 'Oh are you going to buy some DVD's?' while I pick up the closest DVD and say 'Yes, I LOOOVE this movie.' I then actually look at the movie title and without even thinking say "I LOVE SNATCH!' Because actually I do really love that movie. But because I'm nervous and uncomfortable as hell I keep saying 'OH SNATCH IS SOOO GREAT' and 'I THINK YOU'D LIKE SNATCH TOO! You should totally get into it.' On and on ad naseum while his mother's mouth drops open even further everytime I say snatch and his eyes get bigger every time I say snatch and I'm already too far gone now to begin apologizing so I just keep saying snatch and does anyone stop me?
Why No. They don't. Our friend's mother just drags him away by the shirtsleeve, literally. All the while, I'm still yammering on about snatch. Actually by this point I may have been yelling 'SNATCH! SNATCH! SNATCH!' Similar to the chorus of that 'Shots' song by Lil' Jon. What? I was thankful that I actually found something that worked so I was running with it.
And That, my friends, is how the word snatch entered my vernacular. And also how I managed to scare away the creepy guy that followed me around.
When I was younger and would drink to excess, the words "I love snatch" seemed to drive women away too. It must be that combination of words, I don't know what it would have been otherwise.
ReplyDeletethis is kinda funny and sick but still funny. And I don't think I ever see this sort of thing at the gym. I believe I'd probably notice.
ReplyDeleteThat's sooo funny because i was going to ask you if the "lady" from your last post at least had, uh, "groomed" her snatch. You probably mentioned something about it.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which........
I'd have never expected snatch to deter a pseudo-stalker, but in your case, I'm glad it worked. The only other alternative would have been a can of bear mace. Which you could still consider getting, just for fun.
ReplyDelete@ George: I concur with your assessment. I haven't had the opportunity to use the phrase again but I may try this the next time I need to aggravate someones mother. Just not my own.
ReplyDelete@ David: Bahahaha! Let's hope you'd notice!
@ Tracy: I can conclude that she was and is a natural blonde.
@ Beer: I already have a can of bear mace. I carry it around in my pocket book. It makes it a little unwieldy but deters bears from stealing my expensive purse. (: