All I want for Christmas is an Rx for Valium and a bottle of Scotch.

Ah, Christmas.

How do I love thee?

Is it with ribbons and bells? And cockles and shells?

(Not that I know what a cockle is but it works.)

This time of year is generally stressful for everyone. Example: My mother hasn't slept in three days. Hence I haven't slept in two.

Here are some tips to help you avoid the Holiday Blues:

1. Get a prescription for tranquilizers and mix up everyone's favorite cocktail: Beating the Winter Blues with a Snooze. Combine 2 parts whiskey/scotch/other liqour that knocks you out cold, anything but Tequila (That usually makes people aggressive and crazy. And naked.), with 1-2 prescription tranquilizers. Sleep your way through the Holiday Season! Repeat as needed.

2. Purchase a pistol-grip, pump-action shotgun. Think of how well behaved everyone will be when you're toting Ol' Bessie around. Lines will magically disappear when you come through waving that around in the air. Cars will move and no more arguing over that parking spot. Why that nice woman in the over-sized SUV will just let you have that parking space when you're standing out the sunroof with her grill in your cross-hairs. Note: This method generally works better if you haven't bathed for a while or washed your hair. You need to really commit to the image of crazy, otherwise you don't really have the necessary clout to wield such a gun with any believability.

3. Are you lonely and emotionally cold this holiday season? Why not take all that money you were going to spend on gifts and presents for loved ones and head for a warmer climate? You'll get felt up by your local TSA agent and while the warmer climate won't warm up your soul it will cheer up your general demeanor. Especially when you know that while you're sunning on the beach with a Mai Tai or several, your friends and family are running the Christmas Rat Race in the freezing cold. Look at that, Dinner and a Show.

Everyone remember to stay safe and warm this holiday season and keep your family safe and warm as well.
This doesn't mean you can stuff Uncle George in the fireplace for mentioning you've gained a few pounds but the sentiment is nice.