I'm kind of having a moment.

Apparently the world is ending. Right now. The rain is pelting, driving really, against my window on the tenth floor of my apartment building and the wind is howling, making this eerie high whistle, kind of like a train.
Which now that I think about it may or may not be a sign of an incoming tornado. That whole train whistle thing.

Well I'm definitely not getting up to look now. I totally want to be clueless of my impending doom. I don't want time to think about all the dumb shit I've done in my lifetime. Most days I have a cavalier 'Fuck it.' attitude towards my misdeeds and mistakes but today has been an odd day. I'm super sensitive but in a fleeting way, if that makes sense. Not sensitive in a 'I'm going to spend 3 days sobbing because I'm a lard-ass' way. More like a 'I may be a lard ass but I can't honestly think about that right now because I'm too busy cooking up theories about how the neighbors down the hall are tied to their desk chairs being held hostage because their Amazon.com packages have been in the hall for 3 days. Oh and the world is ending with the Super-Tornado bearing down on us.'

Anyway, back to dying, if I was to die I would want to do it unexpectedly. I wouldn't want to have to plan it and figure what my last words would be and who I'd say 'Goodbye' to and in what order. Do I say my parents first because they're most important or last so that it hits home that I love them the most? Do I tell people to do things that I never got to do? Say things I never got to say? Do I say to my best friend 'Tell the neighbor I always got butterflies in my stomach when I saw him.' 'Tell the one that got away that I'm sad things didn't work out.' 'Apologize to the 900 people I screwed over and/or ignored.' 'Tell Kid Rock I think his music sucks and he blows as a musician.' (Anybody can fucking holler and it takes a special kind of person to sing about trailer parks and ruin Bob Seger.) Not to mention that when you know your death is coming you have to set up the memories that you want to see when your life flashes before your eyes. And whenever I've tried to do this before I always close my eyes and see Howard the Duck. Whom I'm mortally terrified of, so that doesn't work out.

Dying is a pain the ass and it's pain to prepare for. Maybe I'll just go to bed and hopefully the tornado will come while I'm asleep.

But just in case, I love you mom. And someone please tell the neighbor that he'll never know what he missed.