I'm not necessarily (I hope I spelled this word right. It always bothers me. I have trouble with double consonants.) a religious person. I consider myself a moderately spiritual person and if I was polled on the street I'd align myself as a believer. There are a lot of tenets of religion that I can get behind and a few that I have difficulty with, but the purpose of this post is not to promulgate my religious opinions.
I've always been prone to puking. Ever since I was little. I regularly gag on my toothbrush, so I go through a lot of toothbrushes. As a consequence I can pretty much puke and move along rather quickly. I don't especially require a lot of time to get it together afterwards. It's kind of like when your dog tosses her cookies and then looks all relieved and ready to play before she realizes what she's done and tries to eat it again. But without the eating of the regurgitate. That's just gross. Mostly the relieved part.
Anyways, due to my prevalence for puking I can all but think about alcohol and vomit. I have more than a beer or two and I'm up the next morning puking my brains out. It's a fact I've come to live with and the majority of my friends have learned to deal with it. But here's the kicker.
For some reason I tend to puke in church parking lots. Drive me down a road when I'm hungover or even just full (I get carsick too.) and I'll find a church that has a need to have the parking lot splattered with my lunch. I've pretty much yaked in almost every church between here and Charlotte. Baptist? Check. Moravian? Check. Non-denominational? Those are my favorite because I feel they're less judge-y than the others. Being that they're essentially spectral urchins, doomed to wander Protestantism without a place to call home or whatnot.
I've never puked in a Catholic parking lot. I don't know many of them and plus there isn't one of those on every corner down here. It's not like the Baptist and Moravian churches. You can't go 3 blocks in this area of the South without getting your hot-cross bun soggy from being submerged in the baptismal pool while being serenaded by an entire full band as accompaniment. Not that there is anything wrong that. In fact I imagine it's the guilt I feel from being hungover on the Sabbath that drives me to retching. I also have a tendency to feel guilty a lot which drives me to drink and repeats the whole saga. Or if I just happen to be carsick then I just feel sheepish for puking for no reason. For just having a weak stomach. I feel as if I'm being judged for being puny pitiful. Think about all of your great religious icons: Jesus Christ, Samson, King Solomon, those boys in the fire, Buddha, Ghandi (Do we count Ghandi? I think he may be more political than religious. But he didn't ever eat so I figured I'd include him here.), Moses. I doubt Moses was ever struck down with a weak stomach. He survived a trip down the river in a reed basket. I so much as look at an paper boat in a bathtub before I turn green. These heros are all strong willed and pious and righteous and had the constitution of an ox. I've got the constitution of a goldfish. Put me in a bag and shake me up and I'll upchuck instantly.
Needless to say I spend a lot of time asking forgiveness, but I'm not really sure what to ask absolution for? I don't think there is a commandment that says:
'Thou shalt not regurgitate in my parking lot.'
'And if thoust hath regurgitated in my parking lot, at least make sure it's while no one is there. Otherwise it's just downright shameful.'
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