The Emergency Room, Dumb Blonde Bitches and Raping Hamsters

Do you know how long I've been in this little room in the emergency room with my mother? 8 hours now. 8 whole hours. We reached our 'together time' threshold 2 hours ago. After which we argued for an hour and I began to think of ways to entertain her while her heart waffles back and forth between deciding to pump the blood around her body or not. Apparently she's super dehydrated and her blood pressure tanked. She passed out today at the gym as a result of this and off to the emergency room we went.

Let me tell you what. These bastards almost caught a full fledged Anna Gray hissy fit. Let me enumerate what happened.

I pull up at the emergency room doors and oh, I don't know...I except them to act like someone in my party is having oh, I don't know...A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Maybe because it is THE EMERGENCY ROOM! It probably isn't me as I'm the one driving and running around the car to get my mother out. Do they come out and get her? No. Is there a wheelchair outside to put her in? No. Is anyone mildly concerned that I'm forcibly dragging a semi-elderly woman into the emergency department? No. Do any of three bitches at patient check-in drop what they're doing because there is clearly one harried young woman hauling in one out of breath older woman? No. Does the stupid doe-eyed-dumb-cunt-bitch look at me funny when I screech 'Can you help us here?' Yes, actually she does. (I'm sorry for using the C-word but she totally deserves it. I almost killed her. I'm not even kidding. She should've seen her life flash before her eyes but that'd be assuming she has an IQ greater than 14 and a loaf of bread. And guess who's in training? Award yourself 5 bonus points if you guessed Bambi.)

Thank God the triage nurse had enough of a clue to admit her immediately otherwise I was going to start maiming CNA bitches until I got the results I wanted. In we go, which brings us to now. Onward to raping hamsters we go.

It took us at least 6 hours to figure out how to make the sound on the TV in the room to work so we watched 5 episodes of Law & Order: SVU with no sound. In order to bring some brevity to the situation I began to improvise a dialogue between Christopher Meloni and Ice-T. This dialogue began with them bitching about the DA's dumb hair. Mom says something along the lines of 'No, they have to be talking about sex crimes. Someone had to have raped something.'

'Someone raped something? Something? Not someone?'

'Well this show has some grade-A freaks.'

'Something like, a hamster?'

'A hamster?'

'Yeah, a hamster is a something. People could rape hamsters.'

'I suppose they could but it'd be a bad day for the hamster.'

'Gross. Thanks for that visual.'

'You're the one that came up people raping hamsters. What does that say about you?'

'No, I came up with hamsters. You came up with the rape all on your own.'

'I'll take half credit if you take the other half.'

'Okay. I can do that.' (I was trying to placate the woman. She's lying on a hospital bed.)

Thank goodness the lab girl stopped trying to draw blood from my mom because she almost had to pop a squat in the corner over the bedpan from laughing so hard. That kept us entertained for at least 5 minutes.

What the hell are we going to do for the rest of the 8 hours we'll probably be here?

* Because I'm not totally heartless here's an update: she's doing okay. They're going to keep her overnight to pump some fluids in her but they say she should be good to go in a couple of days.