Ya'll. Shit is getting real up in this biatch.
You remember when Captain Cynical was mortally wounded and came back from the brink of death to recover her cynicism and reclaim her bitch card?
Well, she may have been dealt the death blow today. We all know she's not getting any younger and she spends the majority of her time in whiny uterus mode so it's only natural that she looks forward to building something with someone. You remember how she's flying across an ocean to have relations? Well yeah, that's actually going to happen. Lord help us all if it doesn't. Lord help us all if it does. Europe will never be the same. We're just waiting on the federal government to quit cock-blocking and on global warming to kick in in England and we're there. Say you what you will but I'm still not willing to freeze my nads off for anyone. Not that I have an actual set of nads but if I did I'd wait until it was warm. Because I'm a wimp. Hopefully he can deal with that. Hopefully he isn't reading this and if he is...I'm totally talking about Prince Harry. I'm gonna be his date to the royal nuptials. Miss you! Mean it! Hugs and kisses! Hide the whiskey and cookies, company's coming over!
Anywho, this bar that I go to always leaves tampons in a jar in the girls bathroom and I always feel sorry for the lone tampon left. It always seems so sad to me. Because at home, any sane woman buys tampons when she's down to her last three; you never really have one lone tampon unless it's in your desk drawer but it's cold and dark in there and that tampon probably deserved that punishment. The point being is that people are like tampons; no one wants to be the odd man out when everyone else has found a warm, dank place to hide for a few hours.
You are just the perfect story teller. Have you ever thought of turning this into a children's story? "The Lonely Tampon".
ReplyDeleteMagical. This is a magical post. And if you hook up with my fave ginger, Harry, I will be SO JEALOUS.
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious. I don't want to be alone. Much less alone with a tampon. lol
ReplyDelete@ George: Thanks! I'm glad to see you blogging again. I'll give you royalties for coming up with the title.
ReplyDelete@ Sass: Prince Harry is mine! Actually I was always a bigger fan of William but that cat obvi shit the bed.
@ Trash: Thanks! Tampons aren't that scary. Actually I take that back. I'm not sure what misogynistic fuck decided it would be a good idea to cram low grade cotton in a vagina to staunch the bleeding but they need to be shot.