How much better off you'd be if I was your drug pusher.

I try really hard to be a grown up. Really I do. But like everything else I come up short and to make a long story short, I suck at life and cannot seem to make a decent living in a fulfilling career that I actually want.

I know, I know. I'm employed and I should be grateful blah blah blah. I am. Really. Can't you tell? I even appreciate being told I'm doing a good job accompanying the occaisional (I have no idea how to spell this word) cupcake.

I've been exploring possible career changes and/or supplements to my career because I am b-r-o-k-e.

I can't be a hooker because I'm too bitchy and people who smell creep me out. I can't be a stripper because they're all dumb cokeheads; I'm not dumb nor am I a cokehead so that rules that out. So I was thinking I could sell drugs. People make decent money doing that right?

Do you realize how freaking awesome I would be at selling drugs? Seriously! I've got access to the right clientele, example: I'm at the bus station twice a day. Clearly I'm easy to talk to because I cannot pay people to ignore me. Obviously I'm attractive enough. Do people buy drugs from ugly people? (My experience buying illicit substances is limited. I've only ever bought a quart of moonshine off a guy that I used to work with at that packaging plant and I'm reasonably sure I could have gotten away with murder with him.) I've got a good education and I can communicate effectively. I could totally set up a brilliant website about my drug-offloading buisness. (If you weren't aware I'm kind of a web czar. Well at least in my own mind. I'd link to what I can do but I don't think 'they' want to be affiliated with blogs who talk about crack, diarrhea and tampons on a regular basis. It's not really proper seeing as how they're a government entity and all.) I believe all of these to be adequate requirements to be successful in the drug pushing buisness.

You'd call me up and be all like:

'Yo Anna Gray, can I get some pot?' (Because when buy drugs you always start out with yo. This is the way it happens on Breaking Bad so it's got to be true.)

And I'd be all like:

'Totes, I can get you some pot! How much you need? I'm running a special this week, buy 2 pills get one free. They'll help take the edge off.'

Then you'd say:

'No, no, I'm good. I'm good. Just hook me up with some weed.' (I imagine that there is a lot of repeating of statements in drug pushing. That way everyone's expectations are clear as to what is expected of both parties. This is all speculation as I dont really know.)

Then I'd thank you for using my drug selling service and ask you to fill out a questionnaire outlining your experiences that day. What? I've got to maintain good customer service.

So instead of buying your drugs from 22 yr old Jimmy with meth acne you'd get to see my bright smiling face. Think of how much more pleasurable the experience would be.

Plus I don't own a gun, so I couldn't tweak out and kill you in a fit of hysterical paranoia.