First I would like to say that I just realized that I haven't had a soda since Sunday! That's a new record.
I'm on this diet. Well, it's not really a diet, it's more a lifestyle change. (I totally stole that from my bff Jess.)
Because eventually one gets tired of being a lard-ass and decides to get off her hind-end and do something about it.
Lunch used to have to hide in amongst the foliage from me. Every day I would wake up and start planning how I could trap and ensnare Lunch. It would spend all morning quavering, wondering when I would pounce from my super-neat hiding spot and gobble it up in 2 minutes flat. Lunch, he was running scared.
Now, I feel Lunch jeering at me. Laughing and pointing with Dinner. 'Look at the fat girl now! MWA HA HAA,' Lunch now chortles. He doesn't even bother to hide anymore. He sits out in the open and taunts me.
'Yummy broccoli! Can you not wait to eat your yummy yummy broccoli, ANNA? . . . You do not even have a soda to wash it DOWN with! You must drink of the WATER! MWA HA HAA! Silly child, I no longer hide from you in fear. You no longer pose a threat to my well-being! I taunt you with my availability now. Be sad. Be very sad. Yes, I want to lick the tears of your sweet, sweet misery.'
Now I no longer attack Lunch. I merely sit quietly and masticate alone and silent. Where once there was the joyous euphony of the Angels singing their heralded songs of peace and goodwill now is just the cacophony and discordance of my ululations of sorrow at missing my Chef-Boyardee Mini Raviolis and Velveeta Shells & Cheese. Gone are the Meatball Subs and Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets. Lamented are the Code Red Mountain Dews and Cheddar Cheese & Sour Cream Ruffles.
I no longer look forward to lunchtime; I just groan and suffer through it.
And the first person to leave me a comment about how I can have the things I want in moderation or to treat myself once in a while, I swear to the Lord on my everlasting Soul, I will hunt you and down and maim you. We're talking ripping limbs from torsos. I can do that now. I've been weight-training.
Just brilliant. That's the only way to describe this post.
ReplyDeleteAnd p.s. we are going to find some fun ways for you to eat that "yummy yummy broccoli"! And the rest of the steamed veggies you eat. How about veggie stirfry? Or soup? Or mixed with pasta and a little lemon and butter?
Ahhh Thank you! :D
ReplyDeleteYes! Send me recipes and How-to's! I totally need them! I can only cook with lard and pork!
You need to read an awesome short story called "The Day I Ate Everything I Wanted" and its sequel, "The Day I Ate Nothing I Wanted" by Elizabeth Berg -- I was totally reminded of them reading this.
ReplyDeleteDiets suck cock in hell, that's the point.
God, you're telling me. I hate them. But I do it. Because I'm insane. Certifiably.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to hunt that story down.