Premature Ejac..err... Peaking...err...Over before it begins?

Everybody knows that one person that they look at and think:

'You know, they're so great; they just haven't hit their stride yet. They'll be awesome in a few years.'

Sadly this isn't me. I totally peaked early. Got everything that needed doing out of the way by the time I was ten and now I'm just scrambling to not go sliding down the backside of the hill on my face and embarrass myself.

Seriously, my most prodigious moments were when I colored on my Cabbage Patch Kids with crayons because they needed makeup; which really pissed my parents off at first. Then they realized how brilliant I was because I colored them in the right spots where makeup would be. It was all sweetness and light then. I was no longer a 'smart ass' but a 'creative and precocious smart ass.' This occurred all over again when I shaved Barbie's head because she had 'leukemia.'  

What? I've been a science nerd my whole life. 

My mom still tells those stories to strangers. We meet new people and she says: 'Here's my beautiful, smart daughter. She's so smart! She shaved her Barbie's head when she was 6 and proclaimed she had leukemia.' At which point, people look at me like I'm a freak. Then comes the perfunctory, 'Awwww. What a smart little girl!' Except that now I'm almost thirty and they wonder what in the hell went wrong? 

One of these days I'm going to prove how smart I am by calculating just how many brain cells Jose Cuervo has consumed right there on the spot. I'll plot it out mathematically and take into account the change in brain cell number with respect to time and they'll be astounded. Or they'll call me an AA sponsor. All I'm saying is that it's starting to get a smidge embarrassing. It's not ever 'Here's my beautiful, smart daughter. She's curing cancer and saving the lives of starving African children!' The closest we'll ever get to that is when she says 'Here's my beautiful, smart daughter. She could have went to medical school but she was too boy crazy.'

Let's not even get her started on that topic. Each holiday that goes by is even more depressing than the last because my entire family lines up by the door to see if I waltz in with a man. I figure if I give it a few more years I could show up with an albino circus dwarf and they would cheer. Only because he has penis. I give it until I'm 35 and then I figure I can have an illegitimate child without any shame or guilt from my family. They'll just be grateful that someone wanted to sleep with me at all. By the time I'm 40 my aunt will be hiding behind the door with the electric cord so my mom can go to work with the turkey baster. Men have it so easy. 

So there really is no hope at all for me. Little do they know that I met my soulmate when I was 7. He was the biggest black and white tomcat you've ever seen and I carried him around like a rag doll. Pea Pie (I don't know. I was an odd child.) was the only man to ever see and proclaim me his, unapologetically. True to form with every other man in my life, he disappeared one day to leave me stammering and quaking in his absence. I've been fucked up as a football bat ever since. 

When I was young I was motivated. Now I'm just lazy. When I was young I was full of optimism and joy. Now I'm just lazy. 

So if you'd please move a little to the left, you're in my path and the rock is going to roll back down this track in a few minutes.