Hope is just another four-letter word.

If you tried to access this blog about a minute ago and found a blog entry titled 'HO' please feel free to make the appropriate jokes, my wireless keyboard quit synching and fate obviously intervened.

You know, I've figured out my problem, the source of my crazy. I'm hopelessly hopeful.

Seriously, it's kind of stupid the amount of hope that I carry around in my heart that everything is going to be okay and that things are going work out and people will be better and blah blah blah. No matter how damn cynical I am and how realistic I try to be, force myself to be, there is always the small Anna cheering for me, or you, or whomever in the back of my head.

Sports games, I'll watch until the end because the team may come back from the blowout. Funerals creep me out because I actually then have to admit that so-and-so is actually dead and didn't recover. When my relationships end (excepting a few) I always have this feeling that said person may realize the atrocities they've committed and come running back to me. They never do and I'm enormously grateful. Eventually.

Well except for that one that kept running back and we were just too damn caught up to realize we should have left well enough alone, which he finally realized and everyone is eternally grateful. And that first relationship I was in for four and a half years which was four and a half years too damn long. That one I wasn't hopeful about; the only hopeful thing about that was that I wouldn't end up with some long-lasting venereal disease. Praise the Lord and say amen we (The woo-woo and I) were clean. Also there was that other relationship with he who-must-not-be-named where the only hopeful feelings I had toward that was that I would maintain my sane stance that it is still illegal to maim people in the great state of North Carolina. Aaaaaand that other one, I was just hopeful that he would one day forgive me for being a total asshat. Okay, so maybe it's just the relationships that I don't end that I retain hope for. Go figure.

I mean I get over that whole hopefulness in the ones where I keep it pretty quick because raging bitch stabbing warrior-princess takes over pretty quickly. Things usually get better from there.

So in lieu of anything else, I'm remaining hopeful. A little self delusion and humiliation never hurt anyone and it sure as hell isn't like I haven't lived through it before. Props to that bitches.