The maiming will begin.

I went to a small, extremely expensive, private school for college because I had to prove that I was better than everyone else in my high school. Because I'm a stuck-up bitch. Congratulations Kyle (ex-boyfriend adoringly revered to as Ding-Dong) you were correct.

Due to this fact I am about a jabillion dollars in debt. I have a loan through a company that will remain nameless but their name rhymes with 'ShittyBank.'

Christ Jesus on toast, Heaven forbid you be 6 days late on your payment because you're lazy and generally suck at life, they send the fucking cavalry out.

Today I tried to pay my student loan payment. I tried really hard. Do you know that these yahoos do not accept credit card payments? You MUST have your routing number and account number. Honestly, ask yourself if I seem to be the kind of person that keeps this stuff handy?

No, of course not. That would require forethought and intelligence. Apparently neither of which are in great supply these days. I finally got it set up in my online bill pay but only after three failed attempts to speak to an actual human person on the phone, two failed attempts to download current statements from THEIR WEBSITE, and one prayer to the Lord Almighty to grant me the strength to not mail them botulism. Or crabs. Both of which I can totally order from the interwebs. Mom came through for me and found my stash of old college documents. From 6 years ago!

Then comes the real freaking drama. My bathing suit came in. Not a good look. I seriously hate people. Here I was all excited and shit and then wham! Reality does a great big 'Let me fuck you while you've still got your pants on. And when I'm done, I'm gonna let my crazy cousin Lenny do it too. Boo yah.'

But for the first time in a long time I'm all like 'Let's handle this like an adult. I'll call and exchange it for a different size.' Reality says 'Oh no, look at that. You got a whammy. Whomp whomp.' They don't have the color I want in the size I need and the sizes I need are all backordered until September because apparently every other bitch in the continental 48 with a great rack has enough sense to order her bathing suit early. Go me. I'm the rockstar now.

Now I get to lose 5lbs before I can go out into the public without a burqa. (I looked it up that time. That is the authentic spelling of that ethnic word.) Plus guess who came back home? Of course. He would show back up while I resemble an odd-toed ungulate. That would a cow for those non-biologists out there. A big, ugly, slobbering, stinky, did I say ugly? Cow. C.O.W.

Cow cow cow...cow cow cow...camel. I think camels are even-toed ungulates, but I'm not sure about that. At least I don't have a hump! There is always that. Sorry I got distracted. I do that easily when I'm upset. And another thing, why in the hell is the apostrophe not on the same screen on the iPad 2 as the letters? That is really stupid. Oh, moving on along...

The point of all this being is that I am ready to maim something. Someone, quickly, find me something to maim. That way before I start I can holler 'Let the maiming begin!'