I have got to get a hobby.

So there is some pretty tragic shit going on in my life right now and I've pretty much bought the farm and gone cray-cray. There is the thing of which I cannot speak, my mom's upcoming kidney-ectomy and last night my gramma ran away from the assisted living place where she habitates. (No I do not care right now that habitates is not a word. It's where she be livin' these days. )

Bear with me while I'm crazy. I know it's a somewhat pain in the ass for everyone involved because unfortunately I go bananas and drag everything down into the quagmire of crazy with me. Most people go lovingly and some try and fight back but eventually we're all sitting around at the bottom of the crazy pit watching me smear mud over my body and lick psychedelic frogs. Good times ensue.

Anyways I found this article on Jezebel about what to do if you have a huge crush on someone. Here. and seeing as how I can only control one of the three crazy things in my life right now I figured I'd follow the directions and give it a shot. How bad can it be?


Step 1 directs the reader to stay away from Facebook. Check and done. We aren't facebook friends for this exact purpose. Plus I'm not sure of the rules on adding people on the facebook. Hence I don't 'add' people, they add me and I'm not sure he knows my last name because I didn't tell him. The only reason why I know his last name is, well I'm not telling how I know his last name. That's kind of creepy.

For step 2 you need to figure out your crush's day of birth which I've done. Then you're supposed to head over to this website to figure out your astrological compatibility. Don't do this! For some reason this website loads those repetitive porn windows that never close. Which I'm sure the ITS people will appreciate when they're reviewing my internet business. It will be like that time I was trying to buy a swim-cap at Dick's Sporting Goods and figured the website for this store would be dicks.com. Just a heads up, it's not.

Step 3, go to a different, more innocuous astrological site and see what they say. What they say is that we're doomed. Or more correctly: 'Both can be tortured souls in their own ways, and may need to channel their agony into a creative outlet. Without this, they can become depressed and self-destructive.' Oh joy.


Here are the next steps: 4. Email/IM a friend and ask what she thinks. 5. If your friend is not convinced you and your crush are soulmates, get annoyed with friend and email or IM a different friend. That's what we're doing here, in case you weren't aware. I'll only respond to comments in which you tell me whether or not you'll be able to attend the wedding. It will probably be themed.

Next I'm supposed to plug these dates of importance into a biorhythm reader. First of all it took me a minute to figure this out and I spent an entire semester studying the actual science of biorhythms and this whole website is probably a load of crap but the point is that the graphs seem okay so we're gonna go with it. Here they are:

We's compatible yo.

The line in the middle is where we're going for the graph peaks. Apparently we're super compatible emotionally and not so much physically but I still maintain that we were drunk and drunk people shouldn't have sex. It NEVER works well. Once I've got these graphs I'm supposed to email them to people, which I'm doing here. Again.


Step 8 involves staring at a picture of my crush and admiring their qualities. Which I'm not doing because that is creepy. I know what he looks like and if I do look at his picture it's only for a minute or two at a time because that is less creepy than continual staring. Right?

Step 9 involves imagining the perfect conversation: 'Your crush says something terribly clever. You're quick with a witty rejoinder that is both insightful and hilarious and makes your crush laugh, a deep, full laugh. But then your crush looks at you with a mixture of admiration and intrigue and says, "You're amazing, you know that? You have made me revaluate everything about my life."' I've already done half of this. I'm good with that whole 'witty rejoinder part that is both insightful and hilarious and makes him laugh a deep, full laugh.' We're still working on that whole 'You're amazing Anna, you know that?' part. It's coming, I just need to work harder. sigh.

10. Promise yourself you will stop obsessing.

I'm still working on that last step. It's not that I don't have enough to worry about it's just that I need something I can do something about.

Someone come and hide my phone from me. Every time I get a text message these days my stomach drops and I hope it's this person and it's usually not and then I give up and then wham it is and the whole process starts all over again. Jeezy Creezy I need a tranquilizer.