Reasons why no one would write my biography.

Thank goodness no one writes biographies about people whom no one really gives a shit about. For example, when is the last time you read a biography about your somewhat loony-toony aunt Louise who collects bottlecaps and chia pets? Bingo. No, people write biographies about other people that accomplish things. I imagine Buzz Aldrin has a biography, as well as Lance Armstrong, Tina Turner, and Charlie Manson.

Now wait before you go flying off the handle about my consideration of Charles Manson as accomplishing things consider this: The man brainwashed people into killing people for him. While he is a horrible, horrible person and believe me I'm certainly glad he's incarcerated for the rest of life, (As another aside: Have you seen the creepy art he makes in prison? You'd think after a few years in solitary confinement a person would adjust to the normal social mores because eventually you'd just bore the crazy out of a person but apparently this is not the case. He's still a total-wacko. I saw his art being confiscated on that jail show that comes on MSNBC; I watch it in case I'm ever incarcerated I'll know which prison gang to join. I was thinking about the Mexicali Kings but I'd look funny with a shaved head. So I'm kind of in gang-purgatory right now.) I guess my point about ol' Charlie Manson is that eventually if you're fricking wierd enough people want to read about that too. Probably because people love tragedies. I guess you could say that's why people would read Tina Turner's biography as well. What? Do you remember all that business with Ike? T-R-A-G-E-D-Y.

Anywho, here are some reasons why no one would ever write my biography:

1. They would get tired of the repetitive scenes in which I lose my keys on a daily basis. Or other pertinent items to which I must use to run my life.

2. I don't write letters to anyone and I'm told that biographies often use letters to elucidate the daily intracies of a person's life. I guess they could use all those emails of the LOLcats that I send to people. I'm not sure what intracies those would elucidate.

3. If people were to write my biography it would involve falling down. And lots of liquor, which has the possibility of making my life interesting but only marginally so. Well let me take that back; we'll go with moderately so.

So what if my life up to this point may be a study in moments of sobriety in a seamless lifetime of intoxication?

At least I'm fucking fun.