An open letter to the staff at Anthropologie:

Ahem. I had occasion to visit your fine establishment this weekend and I have several items of interest that I would like to point out.

1. I not so secretly covet the octopus plates. But I've heard that your plates chip. Could you please make this not occur? (I should mention here that while I do not have an occasion for which I could register for these plates, Christmas will be here before you know it. And I would like them.)

2. You may want to consider making the closet in which you've stuffed the sale section a smidge bigger. I kind of got a little claustrophobic. And then I found my skirt. Happiness ensued.

3. Sometimes when there are multiple people in the same place some of them may share names. While I do appreciate the aspect of wandering around the store without the armload of items I've picked out, I do not appreciate having to beat some woman's ass in front of her child. It was not my fault that we shared the same name. It was also not my fault that I made it to the dressing room labeled: Anna 4 (which happened to magically be the number of things I was going to try on! Oh my!) first.

I am not a sales representative in your fine store and therefore are not contractually bound to be nice; I also understand that being nice is a condition of your employment. I should also hope that having a backbone is a requirement as well. Obviously it is not.

For future reference, women in their mid-forties who are dressing like they're 20 are not terribly sane people. They're a little, how do say...Bat-Shit Crazy. They often can be identified by their bad fake tans, over-use of gold accessories, and those god awful jelly shoes that have somehow made a comeback. Remember, constant vigilance is key.

I may be small but I do pack a mean punch and I do apologize for making the 10 year old cry. And for splattering the blood of a 42 year old on your mirror and several of your personnel. Who might I add may have avoided the blood splatter if they weren't running in the same direction as the crazy lady.

4. Does the "Never come here again" edict apply to your website as well?

Please do take these things into consideration as I think they may be extremely helpful in establishing a lucrative future for your fine store.

Thank you & Sincerely,

Anna Gray