(It's very hard to be sarcastic and appealing at the same time. Very hard.)
Just so that everyone is on the same page I want to elucidate the reasons why I created an online dating profile:
I need blog fodder. And I kind of also need to have children at some point in my life.
But mostly I need blog fodder.
I know that you, blog readers, feel some kinship with my uterus, mostly because I talk about it all the time and how it's lonely, and pitiful, and drying up and withering away, but surely you do realize I'm just being dramatic. And by no means do I really feel that my uterus is drying up.
Nope, not at all.
No. Honestly I really don't think that.
I mean it's true that I do want kids someday and I'm starting to get a little anxious that I'm going to end up old and withered and alone, and then no one will really love because let's face it. There's not a lot going for me and I have to deal with what I've got and people don't like old people. They cuss at them when they drive, groan when they're in line behind them at the supermarket, and put them into pee-smelling retirement homes!
I CANNOT HANDLE THE PEE SMELL. I REALLY CANNOT DO IT. I HAVE TO FIND A HUSBAND AND NOW. I CAN'T GO TO ONE OF THOSE PLACES. I HAVE TO PUT MY UTERUS TO USE AND QUICKLY. MAYBE IF I JUST BUY A SMALL CHILD PEOPLE WILL THINK THAT I HAD IT AND I WONT END UP OLD AND ALONE AND WITHERED BECAUSE IT WILL BE A CUTE BABY AND PEOPLE LOVE CUTE BABIES. PEOPLE ARE DRAWN TO PEOPLE WITH CUTE BABIES AND THEN I CAN JUST WRANGLE A HUSBAND THAT WAY, HE'LL BE ALL LIKE
"Hey, where do you get that cute baby?"
And I can make up a story about how the baby's father died in some central-American conflict zone (Are there any central American conflict zones?) and technically I won't be lying and he'll be all like
"Damn that sucks. This child needs a father, do you want to marry me so I can raise this cute child and buy you pretty things?"
FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WHERE DO I BUY A CHILD AT?
You could save yourself this hassle and sign the COLB pact with my and my girlfriends: "Crazy Old Ladies at the Beach". We're going to pool all our resources in old age (because let's face it, husbands die earlier than we do and we're likely to traumatize some ungrateful, boring children), buy a small beach property to share and all be just bat shit insane together. No one would want to fuck with a bunch of crazy old women cackling together over the margarita machine while wearing brightly flowered maillots, right?
ReplyDeleteI'm in. But why do we have to wait until we're old? Can't we just wait until the off season and become ECLB? Estranged Crazy Ladies at the Beach?
ReplyDeleteBecause then my husband would want in. And then it would turn into a World Poker Tournament. Fail.
ReplyDeleteI am seriously obsessed with your blog. And Paul loves Moxy on the Move.
ReplyDeleteBe careful meeting boys online. Sometimes you wind up marrying them. :)
Hope all is well in your life.
Yay! :D Tell Paul thanks!
ReplyDeleteLet's hope I find a boy worth marrying online or at the grocery store or in the Ukraine, somewhere. (;