Straight from the Horse's Mouth

I'm starting a new segment on the blog called Straight from the Horse's Mouth. it will consist of things my mother has said verbatim via text or what I've actually heard her say. It may or may not include the context in which it was said, mostly because I may or may not have gotten the context in which it was said. She has a tendency to start thinking aloud mid-diatribe. Fair warning. Some colorful language is ahead.

Actual statement to me #1:
I'm reading this book; it's all right, but talk about some low-rent mother-fuckers.

We had been conversing about degenerate peoples.

Overheard statement #1: (Speaking to Sara - who is a dog, mind you.)
I know it's hot but the air is going to come on any minute now, just lay down in front of the vent over there.


This next one requires a little back story. I'm staying @ Mom's because I'm in housing limbo and I texted her one evening, 6/11, to inform her I was staying at a friend's:

Text message #1 - verbatim:
Be careful come on home been watching drug deals across the street all day

Now I'll grant her that her neighborhood is declining quickly, but after speaking with her I found out that she had been talking to the neighborhood schizophrenic who told her the house across the street is a drug house, that morning. Convenient how she notices the drug deals after that? And nevermind the fact that there was really only one instance of activity that she considered to be a drug deal, it only lasted 5 minutes.

I probably texted her something generic back that reiterated what I said about not coming home and told her I loved her. She then responded with,

Text message #2 - verbatim:
Be very careful danger comes in many forms uo me 25 bucks i love u

Are you kidding me? My mother texted me to say that danger comes in many forms? Who says that? Who texts that? Come on Mom! It seems like she feels the need to impart pearls and gems of wisdom on me through texts because, Hell, I don't why she does it but she does. And it's wierd. This is almost as bad as the time she texted me to wear my bike helmet to protect against injury out of the blue. (I really wish I had kept that conversation.) For serious though, they have got to quit showing those PSA commercials; she'll run out of material sooner without those. I can't wait until I get the ones about how meth rots your teeth. She is also charging me rent to stay with her. That's what the 25 bucks is about.