This one time, when I had Ebola...

So I read today that they've been able to cure Ebola in Chinese rhesus macaques and it made me remember the time when I had Ebola.

Obviously I didn't really have Ebola because I'm still sitting up taking air. 90% of the people that contract the Zaire strain of the Ebola virus die. And I am most certainly not lucky enough to be in the 10% that survives. Although I guess you could make a point for my healthy immune system and proper nutrition because I don't live in a third world country that it may lend an advantage to me to survive the virus but that isn't the point. Here is the story:

Imagine that swimmy-squiggly-shimmery stuff that happens when you have a flashback. It would go here. Right here. --->

I am in my junior year in high school and somehow I have managed to contract E coli., Escherichia Coli. The pathogenic kind. Extreme gastrointestinal distress ensues. For serious. It was baaaaaad.

Being the good student that I was at that time (Stop chuckling. At one point in my life I was actually a dedicated person to something besides naptime. Really? There is no real need to slap your knee. It's not that funny.) I called my BFF, JRR, and asked if he would be oh so kind to inform our AP English teacher (Yes, at one point in my life I was intelligent as well.) that I was sick and if he could please get my work that would be great. Actually at the time I don't think we were all best friends forever, I think we may have just been "Hey, you're pretty cool because you want to kill that dumb bitch in the front row who asks all the inane questions and pisses our 'Oh-so-generous-but-slightly-evil' AP English teacher off." I guess that would be: HYPCBYWTKTDBITFRWAATIQAPOAETO. Plus we sat beside each other so that made things easier. It wasn't until a year or two later that I realized his true genius in his ability to cyber-stalk hot boys. Then we became BFF.

A few days go by and I recuperate and drag myself back into school. Groan. Even then I hated it. I just went for the ego boost. Seriously, I was kind of a big deal.

I show up to AP English and our teacher, Mrs. Oh-so-generous-but-slightly-evil, (Seriously, she was. Not only did she make us read Walden, which I didn't. She tested us on it. Guh. And it wasn't an easy test like: What is Thoreau's deal? What grass is he growing in the back of that moth infested cabin and smoking? The test consisted of questions like: Please check all the animals there were in Chapter 3. The woman should have graduated from Cornell with a degree in Ornithology. Then she listed about 100 species of birds, lesser mammals and bugs. Come on!) has a very strange look on her face. She proceeds on with class.

After class she calls me over, and I saunter over to her and we have an exchange that goes something like this:

Mrs. OSGBSE: "Anna, you're back!"

Me: "Yes, I am. I'm feeling much better."

Mrs. OSGBSE: "Anna, you're BACK!"

Me: "Yes, it was kind of touch and go there for a little while but I've recovered. I'm sure I'll have no problems putting the weight back on."

Mrs. OSGBSE: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Do I still look pale or something? I know the flaccid look isn't exactly in right now but I'll eat some beef and drink some gatorade and my complexion will pink right back up."

Mrs. OSGBSE: "Are you sure you're feeling okay? You aren't contagious, ARE YOU?"

Me: "I'm not serving you raw meat am I?.........No. I'm not contagious. I mean I washed my hands when I left the bathroom and it's not a sneezy-type airborne contagion."

Mrs. OSGBE: "YOU'RE SURE?"

Me: "Well I won't have a biology degree for 6 more years but relatively, yes I'm sure. E Coli is a nasty bug but you can live through it. I'm not an immunocompromised old person or a 3-yr old, so I'm good."

Mrs. OSGBE: "E Coli?"

Me: "Yes, E Coli. I had E Coli. Didn't JRR tell you?"

She begins to cackle. It was sort of creepy. Mostly because it went on and on and on and on.

Still laughing. But she finally manages to slow down enough to breathily say,

Mrs. OSGBE: "He told me you had Ebola.....I was wondering why you wanted your assignments."

See the humor there? If I had Ebola I would have been dead. And if I was dead it wouldn't matter if I would have read Their Eyes Are Watching God, because I would have first hand experience of eyes watching God, because they would have been mine.

Shut up. I could actually go to Heaven. I do volunteer at the homeless shelter and stuff.

Seriously, Shut up.