Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Trial by Fire - Online Dating Edition, 1

As you all know, I've created an online dating profile on a popular website. (I knew this was going to be trouble.)

According to my legal counsel, (which I have put on retainer with soda and tater tots) , I have to say that all of the following ARE IMPRESSIONS ONLY. THESE ARE ONLY MY IMPRESSIONS. THESE ARE NOT FACTS OR ASSUMPTIONS. IMPRESSIONS ONLY.

The following pictures are pictures of the people that have 'winked' at me. REMEMBER: THESE ARE MY IMPRESSIONS ONLY. For serious folks. IMPRESSIONS ONLY and/or imagined internal dialogues. By no means are these actual conversations they've had with themselves. (I'm going straight to Hell.)

hey there hot stuff. "im a hugh football, basketball fan. i love college football, basketball. hang out with freinds." Actual quote in quotes.

"I rough talked that big-foot. told him to git. 'Git on out of here I sed'...'He had beautiful hair'," (If you haven't seen this video, it's hilarious.)

This guy is a hunter. This is the picture without the dead things in the background. Dead things in the background are only attractive when they've been coming after you and you feared for your life and Then jungle man comes leaping out of the woods to save you.

That's when dead things are hot.

Otherwise, they're creepy. Well at least to me, I think dead things are creepy. I'm sure there are plenty of acceptable women out there who enjoy dead things. And I AM NOT PASSING JUDGEMENT ON THEM. Not at all. It is my IMPRESSION that dead things are creepy.

I think this guy is having some internal distress. They say that babies smile when they have gas. He looks constipated here, but otherwise somewhat normal. Except for the fact that his entire picture oeuvre consists of this picture x32, just substituting a difference position of the camera.

Seriously? Pick a new pose or a new background, or here's a novel idea: Have SOMEONE ELSE take the picture(s).

So let's have some fun here. I'll let you blog readers, pick which one of these three to 'wink' back at. I'll give you until tomorrow (Wednesday) evening. The guy with the most votes wins.

We'll call them:

#1 - BigFoot (because I like the video, not because he resembles Bigfoot in any way)

#2 - Hunter Elf (because supposedly, I stress supposedly, he is really really short. I do not know that for a fact nor are claiming that being short is derogatory in any way.)

#3 - Kaopectate (because Kaopectate is supposedly good for constipation)

Edition 2 coming up shortly.


  1. Oh my goodness. I am soooo excited about this! (Esp bc what if you wink back and one thing leads to another and you end up getting married!!!)

    So just in case that happens, I have to pass on hunter elf (being that he's only 5'3 and you might want to give you future progeny a chance :) and I think I have to pass on kaopectate (sex offender lookalikes don't seem like husband material to me). I vote big foot! And if you can get him to videotape himself recreating the video, I think you have to go on a date with him.

  2. On second thought, keopectate IS wearing a tie...which is probably a good sign. But then again, it could mean he works at verizon or sells cars... decisions, decisions!

  3. While I do agree with Brooke on many points, I am going to vote for the Hunter Elf. I have learned, living in the Midwest, that sometimes men who shoot animals for sport aren't all bad. I am going to be optimistic and hope that he likes to live off of the land...and that he is just rugged.
    Good luck. I cannot wait to hear more about this little adventure.

  4. hmmm...I posted a comment but it doesn't appear to be here. So real quickly...since I am at work...I choose Hunter Elf too. Two shorts could make one tall...boy that sounds dumb but that's what I'm sticking to.

  5. Kaopectate all the way, baby! If he doesn't have anyone to take a decent picture of him, just think of how grateful he'll be to have you in his life!

    Bigfoot looks like he owns a rape shack somewhere in his backyard. And wtf is up with all the shit in his background? Did they take the picture from space?!

    Hunter Elf will probably take you to a banjo brawl on your first date and we all know that ends with plenty of "Squeal like a pig" moments.

  6. I'm gonna go ahead and say that you should remove yourself from this dating site post haste...I am basing my decision on the fact that if I don't think Id wanna go out and have a beer with any of these guys, then you certainly shouldn't be entering into a relationship with any of them. ;)

  7. Okay! Just to keep a running tally -

    BigFoot - 1 (Brooke cannot make up her mind. :)

    Hunter Elf - 3, one vote was texted in. Thank you Shruti!

    Kaopectate - 2

    And 1 abstaining vote. Thanks Los. :P

    Keep 'em coming!