Just another way fairy tales stick it to you.

So I'm listening to my friend Jess talk about her show that she designed for the local theater. It's loosely based on the Princess and the Pea.

Then I started thinking. What exactly is it about noticing a lump in your bed that qualifies you as a princess? It is just another way that Western civilization imbibes girls with impossible notions. Honestly, how are you going to train yourself to notice that there is a pea in your bed? Shit, I'm doing well to notice that there is someone else in the bed with me, let alone small inanimate objects. And what exactly about there being a pea in the bed and you noticing it makes you a princess? That just says "Hello there little children, you should be a spoiled bitch of a woman when you grow up." (Even though all of the other girls in the tale are spoiled biatches. I suppose the moral of that story is that you just cannot get away from them.)

I'm telling you, they're all like that. Little Red Riding Hood is the story of a prostitute and a pimp. Hello....Red cape, red shoes, walking down the lane by "herself." Then in the end she gets saved from her life of immodesty and her pimp, the Big Bad Wolf, by a lumberjack? Right. That's something we need to teach our daughters. "There is always a way out baby. You just need somebody to pop a cap in your pimp's bitch ass. Or carve that motherfucker up with an axe, one. Gurl, I'm telling you. Find you a man with a job."

Snow White? Really? "Yeah boo. Go live with 7 men. Just make sure them boyz gots a job is all I'm saying. Don't be durrin all the cookin and cleaning for them folks if they don't be paying for yo' upkeep. You gots to get your hair did and shit. Plus they gots that mine full of that ice. They better be puttin' some bling on it."

Pinocchio? Well if you can't see that one is a raunchy metaphor for the homogays then I can't help you. Seriously, his phallic nose gets bigger when he lies? Or is it when he is talking to his little friend? Who just happens to be male?

And even though that Prince Charming metaphor is played out, let me add another level of analyzation to the mix. This is the way that a male dominated society ingrains the notion that there is "someone out there for you" and guarantees your monogamy at the same time. Right. You aren't going to go sleep around because what if you meet Prince Charming? The Prince don't want no ho neither. So your ass is stuck, like Chuck. (I'm not really sure who Chuck is in this scenario.)

"You'll meet him one day. I know it. Just be patient. Once you stop looking..."

I swear to the Lord, if I have to hear that one more time I'm going to personally start using that shotgun I meant to buy last week at the gun show. (You thought you were going to make it through an entire blog post without me whining about being alone. Except I'm not really whining about that part. I'm threatening your life if you mention the idea of a soulmate.) How exactly does a person stop looking? That would be difficult because to cease and desist looking would mean that you had to be looking in the first place, which is clearly the opposite goal of the current objective. I'm supposed to actively stop looking, IE I must be looking to begin with so that I can stop. My life would be much easier if I wasn't convinced at the ripe old age of 4 that someone was going to save me from my life. And wasn't trained to feel guilty and worthless, don't forget that one, that I'm in my late 20's and single. Even though, statistically, that is the best time to get married because by this point I've supposedly hammered out all of my emotional issues. (Really? I heard you snicker. In fact I heard all of you snicker. If collective snickering were a sport you people would win. Or at least medal.)

Just something to ponder. Courtesy of moi.