My latest gripe.

Because you know I've always got one, I am going to tell you about my latest gripe. I'll give you some time to get comfortable and mutter under your breath some snide remark about how I've always got some crisis going on. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Ahem.

I have been to spin class for 4 consecutive days this week. 4 days. That means I've riden close to 60 miles this week. Yesterday I made a puddle of sweat around the bike. For serious. It was kind of gross. (If I ever do snap and actually kill someone and after I've fled the country, because it's stupid to hang around after you've killed someone, they'll totally be able to get my DNA off that bike. Blegh.) Today I weighed myself and I HAVE GAINED SIX TENTHS OF A POUND. What the HELL IS THAT ABOUT?

And I swear the next person that looks at me and says "Muscle weighs more than fat," well, we're going to test that theory. I'm going to punch you in the face and then we can see how much muscle I've gained.

Obviously my body is stupid. Not only do I have an itching/sweating disease, an extra sex chromosome that we suspect may be a Y (which would explain my comittment issues and my ability to make people feel cheap and tawdry) and a worm in my head, MY METABOLISM HAS QUIT! I'm constantly hungry and granted I haven't been eating super great but I am sorry. You cannot exercise on 3 brussels sprouts that have thought about butter without actually coming into contact with it and an apple sauce cup. I've tried. I almost died.

Apparently I'm not working hard enough. I'm not exactly sure how, but maybe I need to run 43,000 miles after 45 minutes of spin to lose a few pounds. Or I could just quit eating.

Maybe I'll develop a drug habit.

I hear crackheads are pretty skinny. And I wouldn't mind losing my teeth as long as I could get fake ones. They make some really good replicas and they don't get cavities. Which will be beneficial once I have my crack habit good and running because crackheads also eat a lot of candy. Not that I like a lot of candy but I'm sure that will change once I'm jonesing for some crack, I'm sure that I'll take any candy that I come across. Or I could be like that girl in that Cheech & Chong movie and snort Ajax off the counter. Although that doesn't seem healthy?

Listen to me, I'm praising the weight-loss value of Crack and criticizing someone for snorting Ajax off of a counter. I should chastize myself.

But Hey, I'm not that crazy.