Pride goeth before the fall.

Describing the yo-yoing of my emotional state isn't easy. Well actually it is. It resembles a yo-yo. That's why I used it to describe the trajectory of my emotions. Up and down and up and down and up.

I had an amazing weekend and I was pretty stoked the whole time. With only a few minor temper tantrums thrown in for the heck of it. And now comes the valley of the sine wave that is my emotional state. I'm happy then sad then blissful then. . .

dis-contented. It's not that I'm unhappy. (Now an excercise in self soothing psychoanalysis. Pinpointing how I feel. This is always a though one.) I have no real reason to be and it's not that I'm bored.

It's that it's night time and I'm alone in the bed. It's not that I hate the dark or being alone and God knows I hate being anything but alone in the bed. It's that I just want to be surrounded by people constantly. But not in the bed with me. If they could just be beside the bed in a nice sitting chair, that would do.

So I guess I do hate being alone. I obviously have intimacy issues and they're so deep seeded that I hate being alone with my ownself. Because when I'm hanging out with the people I heart I feel validated as a human person type being.

Without them my only company is the grey matter betwixt my ears and we know I'm judgemental. As harshly as I judge everyone around me I judge myself twice that; that makes hanging out with me difficult and painful at the very least. Depressing, excrutiating and soul-suckingly miserable when I'm really rolling.

Distractions. I need distractions. Distraction from my life. Which is actually pretty fucking amazing right now. I realized that today. This is probably the happiest I've been in a long time.

Which means that the next 20 years are going to reeeeeeally blow.